Regardless of your morals, religious commitments and yadda, yadda, yadda, the mistress is expecting a present worthy of, you know, epic appreciation. So, if you even have the resources to take on a mistress, well you'd better pony up if you want to keep her smiling.
And I'm talking diamonds and luxury items — not a new Dyson.
(Read more: Forget jewels, these are gifts she really wants)
It wasn't always this way for the secret lover, though. The Great Recession meant great disappointment in terms of gift-giving for the lady on the side. Men generally stayed away from having a torrid love affair, and opted to be the wholesome men everyone thinks they are, rather than getting trapped into paying thousands of dollars on gifts from Louis Vuitton, Chanel or Prada.
But times, they are a changing. The economy is beginning to show signs of stable growth as the labor picture continues to post promising data. All of this leads to the ultimate proxy for a healthy economic environment: Spending on a mistress.
(Read more: What do rich men want in a woman?)
Men are going all out this holiday season for their lovers, as many feel more confident in their personal economic situation. Like one Wall Streeter who, obviously, spoke on the condition of anonymity said to me: "My girlfriend isn't stupid. She reads the Wall Street Journal. She knows what the market has done this year and is expecting diamonds. Good thing my wife only reads Redbook."
Yes, people, this is the case. According to everyone's favorite infidelity website, AshleyMadison.com, the mistress always receives the "best" gifts. Men generally spend under $100 on wives, but over $200 on mistresses. And these same men are 24 percent more likely to buy their mistress diamonds and luxury items than their brides.
And what's worse for the wife is men are 20 percent more likely to buy their wives items of necessity: tech products, cleaning supplies, ice scraper for the car; whereas, the top mistress gifts are expensive jewelry, sexy lingerie, fashion accessories (including designer purses), technology and vacations/getaways.
(Read more: What to get for the cigar lover this holiday season)
No wonder AshleyMadison.com experiences a huge spike in new registrations following the holiday season! I suppose the wives want to flip the role and receive luxury items.
So being a Wall Streeter (no, that is not my quote above!), let's talk about making money. If anybody has the chutzpah, I'd suggest launching a fund investing in "lover stocks." Here's a couple to consider.
L Brands! Formerly known as Limited Brands, the home of Victoria's Secret ... ahem ... has the hots for profits this year. The stock is up nearly 30 percent year-to-date, and the VS brand continues to be the prize of the company. In 2013, the company is expected to reach more than 390 million customers just from VictoriasSecret.com.
The company dominates the lingerie market and with expectations of high single- to double-digit sales growth from the Victoria's Secret division, L Brands is still poised for extended gains and fun in 2014.
(Photos: Scenes from the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show 2013)
Next up has to be Tiffany. The stock is up a toe-curling 55 percent this year and is expected to continue its upward trajectory leading into 2014. Goldman Sachs added Tiffany to its "conviction buy" list, saying it is "a top idea based on near-term upside to both gross margin and free-cash expectations, as well as sustained quality sales momentum."
Well, we all know about the current sales momentum. AshleyMadison.com also noted how 90 percent of sneaky men opt to pay for their mistresses' presents in cash to avoid an incriminating paper trail, so cash is king (and private) for some of these luxury retailers, like Tiffany.
(Photos: Scenes from Lingerie Fashion Week)
There you have a couple of investment ideas to tie you up and consider for your infidelity investment portfolio. Happy holidays and seasons greetings to you, your wife, your mistress, and probably your soon-to-be divorce attorney!
Disclosure: The author does not own the stocks mentioned in the article and is not a member of AshleyMadison.com.
— By Todd M. Schoenberger
Todd M. Schoenberger is the founder and managing partner of LandColt Capital LP, and serves as Portfolio Manager of the LandColt Onshore and Offshore Funds. Follow him on Twitter @TMSchoenberger.