The Long Island Rail Road is dreadful in the summer—you wind up standing in one spot for three hours in a train car packed like a third world country. If you absolutely must take the train, do it right: Get on the Cannonball express line and be sure to bring at least an 18-pack of Bud Lights. You will make lifelong friends.
You want to be walking distance to Cyril's, Sloppy Tuna and Surf Lodge. And if clubbing is your scene, try SL East, but make sure you hire an SUV with a driver for the night. If you are going to drop $500 for a bottle of Grey Goose, don't be cheap with the transportation.
Hiring a car will also spare you an hour wait for a taxi at 3 am. You've convinced the Florida Gators cheerleading team to leave Surf Lodge and come skinny dipping in your pool. Don't blow it waiting for a ride—giving them a chance to receive a better offer. Having your driver waiting is an easy way to bring the party back to your place. Plus, nothing screams "YOU ARE A BALLER!" more than having your own personal driver named Kareem grooving to Avicii.
When the ladies ask you what you do, unless you run a hedge fund or own one of the hottest clubs, keep it simple. Refer back to my Wall Street Dating Guide and say you work at Goldman Sachs. It sounds better, and she doesn't really care.
Read MoreTips for dating on Wall Street
If you're lucky enough to score a beautiful woman who is out of your league, take her for dinner and invite your clients. You want to pick a high energy dining experience where you can show her off and run into jealous guys. Georgica and Southampton Social Club are two of my favorites.
Odds are this relationship won't last, so use this opportunity to set up your next conquest by making the single ladies jealous. If you don't think it works, go watch "Can't Buy Me Love."
Whether it's P Diddy's White Party, Jordan Belfort's bash or the Great Gatsby, the Hamptons are known for great parties. Concentrate on throwing one memorable bash. This is the one time to spare no expense because whether it's ladies you are looking for, trying to impress your clients, or writing your memoir—this is your one chance to make an impression.
Think fireworks, dwarfs, debauchery and Mariah Carey. Hire security. Make it exclusive. It's not a cattle call. Invite only. That way when you "sneak" someone in, you can call in that favor later on.
If you are going to pick a theme, make it one that requires as little clothing as possible. Ancient Greco/Roman is a great choice. And white parties work every time.
Read MoreStrippers, dwarfs & coke: The real Wall Street
Having the right Hamptons experience can not only be fun, but a boon to your career. This is a great time to network. Getting the right house and sharing it with the right clients can make them your friends for life. If you throw the best party, your clients will want to do business with you. If you can get them out to play golf at Shinnecock or Maidstone, also a great way to network. If your clients have fun with you, the business will follow.
With the stock market at an all-time high, use these rules as a guide to have a summer to remember. Who knows what next year is going to be like, so party like it's 1999. Oh and if you have a great party, feel free to invite your favorite comedian who knows how to make the 1 percent laugh!
Raj Malhotra (Raj Mahal is his stage name) is a former Wall Street trader-turned-stand-up-comedian. He has worked at Wall Street firms covering three continents, including at Bank of America, BNP Paribas and Nomura. He draws from his unique ethnic background and Wall Street career to entertain audiences nightly, highlighting the struggles of the 1 percent. He can be seen at Gotham Comedy Club, Broadway Comedy Club, NY Comedy Club, Greenwich Village Comedy Club, and the Tribeca Comedy Lounge. Follow him on Twitter @RajMahalTweets.