HIGH FIVE! We Survived the Apocalypse. Now What?
So the apocalypse was a no show — unless, of course, your name was Tim Tebow or John Boehner. (Oh, snap!) Hopefully you didn't blow all your money on booze and Olympic hookers in an end-of-the-world bender. That would be awkward, right?
Well, it sure was fun rattling each other's cages and planning end-of-the-world hookups, right? I'll always have my commemorative apocalypse coin (pictured left) that I bought for 88 cents on the Internet to remember that time we survived the end together.
So, what happens now?
1. We High Five! We high five each other for surviving something that was never really a threat anyway. HIGH FIVE! *SMACK*
2. We Watch "Gagnam Style" AGAIN. Doesn't surviving the apocalypse make you feel like doing a little dance? Watch it again and then you can brag to your family over the holidays that you were the one billion, two million, forty-six thousand and fifthieth person to watch it. Opa, Gangnam Style …
3. We Complain. We take some time out of this first day of whatever to feel cheated out of some spectacular event that never was. "Not even one single Zombie. I'll be honest, I feel a lit bit ripped off," Matt McFarlane wrote on Twitter.
4. We Tweet. We can come up with clever hashtags to make us feel superior to the Apocalypse that never was such as #nopocalypse and #apocalypsefail.
5. We Feel Superior. We can look at all those people who bought lifetime supplies of food and spent their last hours rushing down to an undisclosed bunker and feel superior that we didn't waste our time hunkering down. "LMAO – what is that woman with 35k jars of pickles do now??? LoLoL #fail," @PoppaPri wrote on Twitter.
6. We Plot. We plot to one day make our kids or grandkids watch the movie 2012 and tell them we survived. Or, we go more instant gratification like Sahar J, who tweeted: "Still think the power companies should shut off the power today for 10 minutes just to make everyone freak out." That's cold, Sahar J. That's cold.
7. We Confess. We can confess our darkest secrets on the Internet (#endoftheworldconfession) just to cleanse our souls for the next Mayan cycle. Look, Olympic runner Suzy Favor Hamilton didn't get to be the No. 3 hooker in Vegas all by herself. Just sayin'.
8.We Reluctantly Buy Christmas Presents. Admit it! You thought you were going to get out of it on an apocalyptic technicality, amiright? "Well, I guess I gotta go buy my family Christmas presents now #apocalypsefail," Carson Glass wrote on Twitter. That goes for the rest of you, apocaprocrastinators, too!
9.We Watch Zombie Movies. Seriously, we were promised zombies, were we not? Oh, all right. Then we'll just have to watch "Shaun of the Dead," "Dawn of the Dead" and "28 Days Later" in a weekend zombie fest. Mggggggggh …. Brains.
10. We Plan Our Next Freak Out. I don't know about you but open-ended relief and happiness make me a little queasy. What should we freak out about next? Oh, right. The "fiscal cliff," when tax increases and spending cuts kick in at the end of the year unless Washington gets its act together.
I don't know about you but that's scarier than the Apocalypse! How are real estate prices looking in Canada?