Fifty Shades of the Weirdest News of 2012
High five! Like an Olympic gymnast, we totally stuck the landing on surviving 2012.
Here's a look back at some of the weirder moments of 2012 and what we learned from each one.
1. The Facebook IPO imploded. Despite the hoodie and lack of a revenue stream, investors lined up in droves for Facebook stock, which debuted in May at $38 and plunged below $18 by September. What we learned: That we learned nothing from the tech bubble and, seriously, revenue streams matter. Also, if a CEO won't put on a suit jacket and is busy planning his wedding when his company is taking the biggest step in its public history, you should think twice before reaching for your wallet.
2. 50 Shades of Grey ravages desperate housewives. Husbands and hardware stores all across America were thanking author E.L. James for doing what Justin Timberlake threatened to do years ago – bring sexy back. What we learned: A woman's sex drive doesn't die in middle age –you just have to get a little more creative. "So you want to do it later?" is no longer an acceptable marital pickup line.
3. Mitt Romney puts women in binders. In what will arguably go down as one of the greatest debate gaffes of all time, Mitt Romney, in response to a question about pay equity, said when he was governor of Massachusetts, he wanted more women in his cabinet, so he went to several women's groups and they brought him "whole binders full of women." What we learned: No one puts binders in a corner.
4. A woman auctions her virginity on the Internet. 20-year old Brazilian beauty Catarina Migliorini delivered many a male fantasy and proved your mom right (the Internet IS a dirty place) when she auctioned off her virginity online.The winning bid was $780,000 by a Japanese man named "Natsu." What we learned: Natsu fast: The deal, which was the brainchild of a documentary filmmaker, was never consummated and is currently on hiatus for the holidays, according to the filmmaker. Yes there's a police investigation and yes she has a Playboy deal.
5. The Internet explodes with Gangnam style. I don't know if it's his cherubic cheeks, high-watered pants or outstanding abilities in riding an invisible horse, but the Interwebs went crazy for Korean pop sensation Psy and his Gangnam style, delivering more than one billion views onYouTube and making him the most watchingest Internet video of all time. What we learned: We have been cutting the grass, doing the sprinkler and roping in hotties on our invisible fishing line way too long – we desperately needed some new moves. Opa, Gangnam style!
6. Dogs learn to drive. Not since we saw that dog skateboard and that squirrel water ski have we been so dazzled by an animal trick! The videos online of dogs driving cars, where they seem to look before turning and have a good command of the shift, started out as a stunt by the ASPCA in New Zealand to get people to adopt their dogs but quickly became an Internet phenomenon. What we learned: This completes the trilogy of what the Internet was made for: virginity auctions, new dance moves and videos of dogs driving! Oh, also, it put dogs on notice: just being cute and eating the couch isn't going to cut it anymore!
7. Honey BooBoo. Not since Snooki from the Jersey shore have we been so repulsed yet compelled by a reality star as we were of seven-year old, self-proclaimed redneck beauty queen Alana, Thompson,aka "Honey Boo Boo." She's famous for lines such as "I'm a superstar because I do paaaageants," "A dollar makes me holler, honey boo boo!" and "Those other girls must be crazy if they think they're gonna beat me, honey boo boo child!" What we learned: There is no hope for humanity. Maybe the Mayans were just off a little and the end is still on its way …
8. McAfee the fugitive. The wackiest thing most CEOs do is an awkward dance at the holiday party after one too many. John McAfee nearly tore a hole in the Matrix with his antics: The founder of antivirus software is accused of murdering a neighbor in Belize amid alleged associations with gangsters and drug lords and then goes on the lam. What we learned: He probably did tear a hole in the Matrix and we will one day fall through that hole, now covered in leaves, on the way to the grocery store. Are you SURE the world didn't already end and this is just a dream sequence?!
9. The Petraeus scandal. If McAfee didn't tear a hole in the Matrix, then this story sure did: Gen. David Petraeus, who was perched at the tippy top of our national hero list, tumbled in a spectacular freefall after his affair with sexy biographer Paula Broadwell was made public. What we learned: We are morons for not catching this sooner! For goodness sake, the title of her book was: "All In. The Education of General David Petraeus!" Also, never underestimate the power of a woman scorned.
10. Kate Winslet gets a ticket into space. After you marry a guy named Ned Rocknroll there's only one thing left to do: Rocket into space! Rocknroll is the nephew of eccentric billionaire/spacepreneur Richard Branson (ah, it all makes sense now), so it should come as no surprise to anyone that his wedding present was a $250,000 ticket into space! Yeah, going into space -- it's the new "little dog in a handbag," the hottest thing in Hollywood.
Hey, can we send the Kardashians into space, too?
To 2013 … and beyond!
What did we miss? Tell us your weird news of 2012 in the comments in the box below or email firstname.lastname@example.org.