Have you had it with Super Bowl hype? Are you gonna lose your lunch if one ... more ... person ... says "Harbowl"? (Sorry, I just said it.)
Perhaps the best alternative programming on Sunday will be Animal Planet's "Puppy Bowl IX." Hey, at least the kitties in the half time show won't lip-sync!
(Read More: Why Your Super Bowl Party Will Cost More This Year.)
However, is the action on the field going to be as competitive as the real game? Well, if you tune in to the "live camera" right now in the Puppy Bowl locker room, the scene looks less like Ray Lewis' last dance and more like the unconscious aftermath of a frat house Super Bowl party.
Still, I logged on to the live camera feed and watched sleeping dogs lie for a time. It's somehow more mesmerizing than Colin Kaepernick's tattoos, though not as fun as one of Jim Harbaugh's sideline tirades.
More entertaining is College Humor's spoof of the puppy championship game called, "Any Given Puppy Bowl." Much like the film "Any Given Sunday," the parody has a beleaguered coach trying to whip his crew of puppies—not literally—into a great team. "You think you're hot sh*it because you've got a $20 million Eukanuba contract?" he yelled at one confused canine.
(Read More: Why Millionaires Prefer Dogs Over Cats.)
It's pretty funny. And it shows lots of cute puppies. We love puppies. One of my favorite follows on Twitter is @CuteEmergency, which posts pictures of cute animals—mostly puppies—"For when you need something to immediately cheer you up."
However, we love our dogs so much that many of us over-pamper our pooches.
Ultra, which sells "holistic" dog food, said 79 percent of dog owners believe their dogs are overweight, and we have no one to blame but ourselves. "More than two thirds (70 percent) find it hard to resist their dog's 'puppy eyes,' and give in to feeding them table scraps, including 'people food' such as pizza (27 percent) and potato chips (30 percent)."
Ultra said the region of the country with the fattest dogs might surprise you—the West! Californians might be eating tofu and sprouts, but 23 percent of their dogs are obese.
"Mom, Princess Leia and Eeyore are getting fat," my daughter informed me the last time she came home to visit our Basset Hounds (she doesn't really come to visit me). Conversely, the lowest rate of dog obesity is in a part of the country where humans tend to supersize the buffet—the Midwest, where only 16 percent of dogs are fat.
(Read More: San Francisco's Puppy Problem.)
Time to get America dogs off the potato chips and on to a treadmill.
Yes, there are doggie treadmills.
Which brings me, finally, to this.
The Affinia Manhattan hotel in New York City is rolling out the red carpet for the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show next week (I hope that red carpet has Scotch Guard!). The hotel is turning one of its terrace areas into a "Happy Tails Suite" complete with a puppy obstacle course and lots of doggie treadmills. "Additional treadmills will be available for private guestroom use, upon request."
The cost per night, just for dogs, is $75. Humans cost extra. Special pet menus include steak! Geez, the only thing missing is a Downward Dog Yoga Special.
A dog's life ain't what it used to be. It's getting more human by the day.
—By CNBC's Jane Wells; Follow her on Twitter: @janewells