I even own a shirt bought in Des Moines, Iowa which says, "I like pig butts, and I cannot lie."
America loves bacon. We also love a good laugh.
Scope's commercial on YouTube describes the previous "crowning achievements of bacon." It's first crowning achievement? Being bacon. Other achievements include carbonated bacon, "spreadable bacon," bacon shaving cream, and my favorite, a bacon Kevin Bacon portrait. Now comes the bacon mouthwash, "for breath that sizzles."
You may think me crazy for wanting to buy a product which makes my breath smell like bacon ... unless you like the smell of bacon. AND WHO DOESN'T? However, Scope claims the bacon-flavored mouthwash only tastes like bacon while you swish, "but leaves your breath smelling minty fresh 5 times longer than brushing alone."
How can such a perfect product possibly exist?
(Read More: Bacon Around the World: Speck-en Zee Bacon?)
Being the hard-nosed, cynical investigative journalist that I am, I took the 30 seconds necessary to call Scope's parent company, Proctor & Gamble, shoot out an email, and tweet the Scope team on Twitter. I dug deep.
I soon got a call back from the outside public relations firm working with Scope on the bacon mouthwash launch.
"Is this real?" I asked with a steely-eyed voice, if a voice can be steely-eyed. "I don't really know myself," she replied after a pause. Looking at the calendar I saw that Monday is April Fool's. "Is this an early April Fool's joke?" I queried with intensity. Uncomfortable pause. "I'm going to play coy with you, Jane." She told me she would have "more information … next week."
My incredibly accurate instincts tell me something is afoot. I'm no longer smelling bacon. I'm smelling a delicious prank.
(Read More: Pumpkin Is the New Bacon!)
Too bad, because I would have bought the mouthwash. It would make a great gift for every meat-eating man I know, and since no pigs would actually be used in the flavoring process (according to Scope's FAQs), even vegans could get a taste of what they've been missing.
So now what? With no bacon mouthwash, what can we hope for? One friend suggested beer-flavored mouthwash. "I already have that," I told him. "It's called beer."
—By CNBC's Jane Wells; Follow her on Twitter: @janewells