The leader of the Girl Scouts of America is willing negotiate with activist investor Dan Loeb.
Loeb, who heads the hedge fund Third Point, is fond of writing sharply worded missives to the executives of public companies whom he deems ineffective, corrupt or otherwise awful.
Vanity Fair recently posted a letter attributed to Loeb attacking CEO Anna Maria Chávez for her "epic and appalling" mismanagement of Girl Scout cookie sales, her obsession with "perks" and the distance of her Manhattan office from legions of hardworking troop leaders, most of whom are "fatties from the heartland."
The letter calls out Chávez for her "disastrous" decision to discontinue the Lemon Chalet Cremes, the "inordinately waxy" chocolate coating on Thin Mints (a marquee flavor) and her inability to develop a savory, cheddar cheese-flavored cookie.
It also accuses her of being too busy "Uber-ing town cars to exclusive tasting menu restaurants" and "guzzling $11 kale concoctions from Juice Press" to notice the system-wide failures in her organization, including the "chalky quality of the peanut butter in Do-si-dos" or the insult that issues from naming the most fattening cookie variety after the island of Samoa.
The letter was fake, of course, but Chávez responded anyway—publicly, and on GSA letterhead. In short, she is happy to bring back the Cremes.
But she has some conditions. Among them, Loeb has to dress up in a Lemon Chalet Creme cookie costume and personally deliver a $1 billion check to her at GSUSA headquarters on Fifth Avenue.
Second, he has to start a Girl Scout troop of his own, which could be a boon to a new generation of young women interested in generating alpha.
Third, Loeb has to walk the green carpet at the National Girl Scout Cookie Premiere Party in February, though the letter did not explicitly require the cookie suit for that occasion.
Third Point's office did not respond to an email seeking comment.