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A Wall Street guy's guide to the Hamptons

Raj Mahal relaxing in the Hamptons.
Source: Raj Mahal
Raj Mahal relaxing in the Hamptons.

Even though the weather in New York lately has felt like Siberia in Rocky IV, Memorial Day looms closer by the minute. It's time to packup the Louboutins, Ray Bans and Molly and head out east to the Hamptons, a favorite summer spot for Wall Street.

The key to a perfect Hamptons summer—both for helping your career and your chances with the ladies—is to lock down the right pad. Here are some guidelines to have a summer that would make the "Wolf of Wall Street" proud:

Location, location, location

I want to date Kate Upton and play point guard for the Knicks. Neither is gonna happen this summer. That said, you can still find acceptable housing without donating platelets or selling your kidneys to the Russian mob.

Try to be in Montauk if you can afford more than a doublewide trailer. Amagansett, Easthampton and Water Mill also work. Only stay in Hampton Bays if you feel comfortable in Wildwood, N.J. Hamptons Bays is a great place to meet the Snooki of your dreams, get your first tattoo or contract Hepatitis C.

Make sure the house has a pool and a Jacuzzi

A nice pool is key. The ocean is amazing but the Hampton ladies tend to enjoy spending time somewhere that they won't get sand in their bikinis. And, it's good for your career, too: A great pool and Jacuzzi will certainly make your pad a hot spot for clients. I mean, if you have to have a chat about the probability of Brazil defaulting, why not have a couple of lovely Brazilian ladies tanning poolside?

Trust me on the Jacuzzi. Without it, you're better off staying in the city and trying your luck with the summer interns on MacDougal Street.

Read MoreMillion-dollar homes: March Madness edition

Limit the number of people in the house

You aren't in college so don't turn a swanky Hamptons place into a hostel. Never rent a room that has twin beds—and especially bunk beds. You aren't eight years old. This isn't Camp Crystal Lake. No client will take you seriously in a place with bunk beds; not to mention, it guarantees you're sleeping alone all summer. Just spend the money to have your own room. Remember: We live in the YouTube age. You don't want that video of you and the cougar you brought home from Ruschmeyers turning up as your client's screensaver.

Try and put down as small of a security deposit as possible

It's all about leverage. Leverage is what almost took down the entire banking system so you know it's a good thing. If you are going to have fun, there will be some casualties. Hopefully, the casualty will be the rich homeowner's Douglas fir dining room table not your bank account.

Getting there

There are many ways to get out to the Hamptons. There is the train, Jitney or a Mercedes convertible. However, if you really want to do it right, take a helicopter. There are heliports all over the city and you can get to East Hampton airport in 40 minutes. Also, you can indulge your inner Indiana Jones and hop the sea plane from the East River to the Hamptons. It's not cheap, but well worth it if you don't really care about saving for your retirement.

The Long Island Rail Road is dreadful in the summer—you wind up standing in one spot for three hours in a train car packed like a third world country. If you absolutely must take the train, do it right: Get on the Cannonball express line and be sure to bring at least an 18-pack of Bud Lights. You will make lifelong friends.

Nightlife

You want to be walking distance to Cyril's, Sloppy Tuna and Surf Lodge. And if clubbing is your scene, try SL East, but make sure you hire an SUV with a driver for the night. If you are going to drop $500 for a bottle of Grey Goose, don't be cheap with the transportation.

Hiring a car will also spare you an hour wait for a taxi at 3 am. You've convinced the Florida Gators cheerleading team to leave Surf Lodge and come skinny dipping in your pool. Don't blow it waiting for a ride—giving them a chance to receive a better offer. Having your driver waiting is an easy way to bring the party back to your place. Plus, nothing screams "YOU ARE A BALLER!" more than having your own personal driver named Kareem grooving to Avicii.

When the ladies ask you what you do, unless you run a hedge fund or own one of the hottest clubs, keep it simple. Refer back to my Wall Street Dating Guide and say you work at Goldman Sachs. It sounds better, and she doesn't really care.

Read MoreTips for dating on Wall Street

If you're lucky enough to score a beautiful woman who is out of your league, take her for dinner and invite your clients. You want to pick a high energy dining experience where you can show her off and run into jealous guys. Georgica and Southampton Social Club are two of my favorites.

Odds are this relationship won't last, so use this opportunity to set up your next conquest by making the single ladies jealous. If you don't think it works, go watch "Can't Buy Me Love."

Parties

Whether it's P Diddy's White Party, Jordan Belfort's bash or the Great Gatsby, the Hamptons are known for great parties. Concentrate on throwing one memorable bash. This is the one time to spare no expense because whether it's ladies you are looking for, trying to impress your clients, or writing your memoir—this is your one chance to make an impression.

Think fireworks, dwarfs, debauchery and Mariah Carey. Hire security. Make it exclusive. It's not a cattle call. Invite only. That way when you "sneak" someone in, you can call in that favor later on.

If you are going to pick a theme, make it one that requires as little clothing as possible. Ancient Greco/Roman is a great choice. And white parties work every time.

Read MoreStrippers, dwarfs & coke: The real Wall Street

Networking

Having the right Hamptons experience can not only be fun, but a boon to your career. This is a great time to network. Getting the right house and sharing it with the right clients can make them your friends for life. If you throw the best party, your clients will want to do business with you. If you can get them out to play golf at Shinnecock or Maidstone, also a great way to network. If your clients have fun with you, the business will follow.

With the stock market at an all-time high, use these rules as a guide to have a summer to remember. Who knows what next year is going to be like, so party like it's 1999. Oh and if you have a great party, feel free to invite your favorite comedian who knows how to make the 1 percent laugh!

Raj Malhotra (Raj Mahal is his stage name) is a former Wall Street trader-turned-stand-up-comedian. He has worked at Wall Street firms covering three continents, including at Bank of America, BNP Paribas and Nomura. He draws from his unique ethnic background and Wall Street career to entertain audiences nightly, highlighting the struggles of the 1 percent. He can be seen at Gotham Comedy Club, Broadway Comedy Club, NY Comedy Club, Greenwich Village Comedy Club, and the Tribeca Comedy Lounge. Follow him on Twitter @RajMahalTweets.

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