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Panic in the Hamptons! Strange signs of a top

I was talking to a friend the other day who is unemployed. I asked him what he wants to do and he responded, "Nothing. I don't need a job as long as the market keeps going up." The S&P 500 is at an all-time high and I don't know anyone who is bearish. Where are the bears?

Now it's true that guys who are always bearish are miserable to be around even when things go well. It's like watching a Bill Belichick press conference after a win. They suck the life out of you like a character on "True Blood." They just expect something to eventually go wrong.

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However, I can't find these guys right now. My dog and I walked all around New York sniffing for bears and couldn't find one. Those bears must be hibernating.

Usually when nobody is bearish is when the market sells off. But that hasn't happened this year. So, aside from my friend's retirement plan of the market rallying to infinity, here are a few not-so-obvious signs of a potential pullback.

The Wolf of 92nd Street

The 92nd Street Y is a world-class cultural and community center in New York City, where people from all over the world connect through culture, art and entertainment. It has been around for 140 years. The Y's web site says that it aspires to "curate conversations with the world's foremost thought leaders to deepen understanding." Past speakers have included Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Whoopi Goldberg and Lenny Kravitz.

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On Sept. 10, the keynote speaker is … Jordan Belfort! The REAL "Wolf of Wall Street." I guess Bernie Madoff wasn't available. As much as I love that movie, paying $45 to hear this Wall Street "thought leader" who was banned 20 years ago from the industry signals market top.

Writer Jordan Belfort attends the 'The Wolf Of Wall Street' premiere after party at Roseland Ballroom on December 17, 2013 in New York City.
Getty Images
Writer Jordan Belfort attends the 'The Wolf Of Wall Street' premiere after party at Roseland Ballroom on December 17, 2013 in New York City.

Grand Theft stock trading

Everyone wants to get into trading stocks these days. A friend of mine the other day asked me if there was a way he could trade stocks through his Facebook account.

Trading stocks has become so popular there is even a stock-market game in "Grand Theft Auto 5." If you don't know "Grand Theft Auto," it's a action-adventure videogame where the player is a criminal. The criminal engages in theft, assassinations, drug deals and sex with prostitutes. And now — trading stocks.

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In the game there are even multiple exchanges and research reports on the fake companies that trade. I went on the Internet and there are even tips on which stocks to buy in the game! The game also features insider trading and market manipulation. Sounds a little too much like real life Wall Street.

It's a sign of a market top when virtual criminals decide it's more fun to trade fake parodied companies like Lifeinvader (Facebook), Tacobomb (Taco Bell) and STD Contractors than trade South American prostitutes for crystal meth.

"Grand Theft Auto V" from Take-Two Interactive Software.
Image source: Take-Two Interactive Software
"Grand Theft Auto V" from Take-Two Interactive Software.

Rosé Shortage in the Hamptons

Nobody panic — according to the NY Post, there is a shortage of Rosé in the Hamptons for Labor Day weekend! Restaurants and wine stores are running so low they are considering rationing it. And they say the 1 percent don't have problems!

Perhaps this Rosé shortage will drive prices so high that investors will be forced to sell stocks to cover those margin calls.

MarkSwallow | E+ | Getty Images

Read MoreA Wall Street guy's guide to the Hamptons

Commentary by Raj Malhotra (Raj Mahal is his stage name), a former Wall Street trader-turned-stand-up-comedian. He has worked at Wall Street firms covering three continents, including at Bank of America, BNP Paribas and Nomura. He draws from his unique ethnic background and Wall Street career to entertain audiences nightly, highlighting the struggles of the 1 percent. He can be seen at Gotham Comedy Club, Broadway Comedy Club, NY Comedy Club, Greenwich Village Comedy Club, and the Tribeca Comedy Lounge. Follow him on Twitter @RajMahalTweets.

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