GO
Loading...

You Think You Have Problems, Prts. 1, 2, 3...

Thursday, 29 Mar 2007 | 8:45 AM ET

YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT PROBLEMS PART ONE
According to Schering-Plough, 65 MILLION Americans suffer from constipation. That's nearly one in five of us. Really? Are 65 million Americans, like, constipated all the time? Once a month? Bummer. The company is touting the over-the-counter availability of its prescription strength laxative, MiraLAX. The announcement contained this little factoid which caught my eye: "In 2001, there were 5.7 million visits annually for constipation, a 128 percent increase from the combined number of visits between 1958 and 1986." Well, what happened between 1987 and 2000? Were we regular during those years? And if there were 5.7 million visits "annually" in 2001, doesn't that mean that there were just...5.7 million visits? Sigh. The things I get worked up about.

YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT PROBLEMS PART TWO
Sometimes it's good to stay at the safe and boring place. The Seattle Post-Intelligencer reports that two top executives at Washington Mutual jumped ship last year to another mortgage bank. Tony Meola, Executive VP of home lending at WaMu, left to become Executive VP of loan production at the new place. Taj Bindra, another WaMu EVP, later followed, becoming CFO. The new place: New Century Financial, quickly sinking into the subprime
quicksand.

YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT PROBLEMS PART THREE
Michael Jackson may not have much money left, but he could still lose some of what he has. A woman who claims she is the mother of his three kids wants joint custody and ... money. She also wants his Neverland Ranch. And his Encino home. The woman, Nona Paris Lola Jackson (I'll just call her NPLJ) says Jackson's marriage to ex-wife Deborah Rowe was never consummated. She says DNA tests will prove that she, NPLJ, is the mother of Jackson's son Prince, daughter Paris, and also the child dangled from the balcony, named Blanket. BLANKET? Nona Paris (inhale) Lola (breathe) Jackson has failed twice before to get a hearing because she didn't serve Jackson and Rowe with papers. She promises to do better this time. She also stated in court papers that she gave birth underwater, because, "I am technically a herbalist."

YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT PROBLEMS PART FOUR
In case you hadn't heard: a judge in Florida has ruled that Lawrence Roach must continue paying alimony to his ex-wife, Julia, even though Julia is now Julio. She had a sex-change operation. Roach argued that since same sex marriages are not recognized by the courts, how can one man pay alimony to another? But the judge decided that under Florida law, the gender you have on your birth certificate is the gender the court recognizes, so Julio is still a woman, and Roach must continuing paying...him...$1,250 a month. So can he stop paying if Julio marries a woman? Would the courts recognize that marriage and therefore have to believe that Julio is now a man? WOW. Explain THAT to the kids.

FINALLY...DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT BEN BERNANKE TELLING A JOKE?
From a contributor whom I will refer to as "Mr. Off-the-Wall Street":
Joke: Did you hear the Pope has the bird flu? He got it from the cardinals.
Bernanke tells the same joke: It is reported that Benedict XVI has contracted H5N1. He appears to have contracted the illness from certain highly-placed ecclesiastical officials.

Comments? Funny Stories? Email funnybusiness@cnbc.com

  Price   Change %Change
WM
---

Featured

  • Based in Los Angeles, Jane Wells is a CNBC business news reporter and also writes the Funny Business blog for CNBC.com.

Humor