GO
Loading...

The NOT "Million Dollar Challenge" Contest Winner!"

It's been very exciting holding the first Funny Business contest. Sure, we're not "The Million Dollar Portfolio Challenge," but at least we're... well, not. My contest asked readers to explain this incomprehensible press release:

RALEIGH, N.C., March 29 /PRNewswire/ -- Qualyst, Inc., a leader in the development and marketing of novel and proprietary absorption, distribution, metabolism, excretion and toxicology (ADMET) technologies, today announced that orders are now being accepted for B-CLEAR(R) Kits using rat hepatocytes.

B-CLEAR(R) is a proprietary, patented system that provides for the in vitro assessment and in vivo prediction of hepatobiliary disposition, hepatic uptake, hepatic accumulation, biliary clearance and drug transport.

I got quite a variety of responses! Some completely off the wall (and not printable, but you made me laugh), others taking the whole endeavor quite seriously.

Here are some of the runners-up:

FROM SCOTT IN ANAHEIM, CA:
"Qualyst, Inc., a company trying to make a name for itself in the human biological functions industry (ADMET) announced today that is has finished setting up its India-outsourcing phone bank to accept orders for B-CLEAR® Kits using blood cells from lower evolutionary-chain animals. B-CLEAR® is Qualyst's only legally protected product that allows lab technicians to check potential job applicants for drugs prior to employment.

FROM FRANK IN WISCONSIN:
"It seems to me that they produce a product, illegal in some areas, that masks the fact that the user has consumed banned substances. Especially useful for job applicants, truck drivers, or anyone on probation....I wear size L, in T-shirts.... Am I clear??"

FROM WILLIAM, CITY UNKNOWN (BUT A FELLOW USC GRADUATE):
"Jane - Clearly, B-CLEAR is a product targeted for expectant mothers. Prior to implantation, an embryo can be tested for the tendency to develop hepatitis. During pregnancy, the fetus can be tested for hepatitis. Always good to know, or is this a solution ... without a problem? Fight On!"

FROM KAMMIE IN OVERLAND PARK, KS:
"This kit is used to test new drug candidates in vitro (in glass), using liver cells from rats to see what happens to the compound in the liver, where most things end up before being distributed to or excreted from the body. This type of testing is performed routinely to help predict whether the new compounds are safe to consume, and won't have any toxic effects to the body. This type of assessment is done using a variety of research methods well before any compound can then progress to clinical trials, where human volunteers take them in a controlled study. This product is not for the general public, but for drug development research purposes.

Ok, Kammie comes closest to the actual meaning of the release. Go Kammie!

However, the entry I have chosen as the winner (hey, this is not a democracy. I report. I decide.) is:
FROM JACK IN PORTOLA VALLEY, CA:

"Clearly a thinly disguised description of a new approach to dealing with the dread dilapidated dromedary syndrome -- which can cause a newscaster to flounder for days in the wilderness between good stories."

THIS MAKES EVEN LESS SENSE THAN THE PRESS RELEASE! Hurray for Jack, who claims to be a PhD. No wonder it makes no sense!

Now I just have to dig up a prize. Have a great Easter weekend.

Comments? Funny Stories? Email funnybusiness@cnbc.com

Featured

  • Based in Los Angeles, Jane Wells is a CNBC business news reporter and also writes the Funny Business blog for CNBC.com.

Humor