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Mid-week Mania

Wal-Mart Has Everything but Kitchen Sink

Sam's Club
Sam's Club

I am told by a very good source that Wal-Mart's headquarters in Bentonville has no test kitchen. The company that sells everything, including the kitchen sink... has none. A vendor coming to demo food at the world's largest retailer of food has "to cook in the Sam's Club employee lunch room, then wheel it over next door to Wal-Mart to present it."

And if you're demonstrating new food for Sam's Club, "You cook in their employee lunch room and present it in one of their cubicles."

Pig Oil vs. Big Oil

A company is turning pig manure into crude oil. Really. Innoventor, based in St. Louis, says it

Wal-Mart Has Everything but Kitchen Sink

Piglet
Piglet

can do the same with cow pies and chicken droppings (I'm waiting for someone to propose a human waste engine--talk about internal combustion!). Innoventor calls its pig oil "real black gold." Nice. The company claims that a farm with 10,000 hogs could produce 5,000 barrels of crude a year, adding about $10-$15 profit to each pig. If half of all swine farms used the technology, it could cut $1.5 billion in annual crude oil imports. It would also help solve the continuing problem of what to do about farm waste. But running a car on pig poop... well, I can only imagine what the exhaust smells like.

The Business of Conspiracy

The headline reads "Greetings all truth-seekers and freedom-fighters!" This weekend, Conspiracy Con comes to the Silicon Valley. It's a convention for conspiracy theorists, with seminars that cover everything from "The Real Da Vinci Code" to "Weather Warfare," "Alien Controls," and "The Reptilian Agenda." (Wha--??)

A two-day pass plus the banquet will set you back $199, if you believe the pabulum you are being fed this second by me, a member of the mainstream media, which could all be subterfuge to hide the greater Reptilian Agenda.

The website is www.conspiracycon.com, where Conspiracy Con Executive Producer Brian William Hall (hmmm, eerily similar to our NBC Nightly News anchor's name...) warns that if you are "willing pawns" perpetuating all the lies out there, "I feel compelled to quote a line to you from the TV miniseries 'V' in which a rebel declares, 'Congratulations on selling out your race to a bunch of night crawlers.'"

I've never heard of "V." So I looked it up on the Internet Movie Database. It was a TV show in 1983 about aliens secretly invading Earth, with dialogue like:

Mike: "Martin. Say it man! You're scared."

Martin: "It's very very dangerous for me here now."

Mike: [pointing to the wounded man] "What does he look like? A Sunday afternoon at Disneyland? I'm sure Barbara was scared and Tony too! Hell man! We're all scared! Every damn one of us! But we've all gotta help out in the best way we can. Now how about it, man? Are you game?"

Well... Are you?

Grilling Hot and Cold

Char-Broil has done a survey and discovered that nearly one in three men under the age of 34 cannot grill without holding a cold beer in one hand.

Houston We Have an Issue

I got an email from a trader begging people in the media to stop using the word "issue" when they mean "problem." He says, "An 'issue' is something that is debated: abortion, gun control, the war in Iraq, immigration, etc. A problem is, well, you know, a problem. When reporters and anchors say things like 'High gas prices are an issue,' what they mean is that they are a problem. Or, 'Higher commodity prices are an issue for company XYZ...' what you mean is they are a problem. When someone says 'I have computer issues' what they mean is they have computer problems."

I don't have an issue with that.

Merger Mania

My friend, Mr. Off The Wall Street, predicts the following mergers over the next 18 months:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:

Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:

Poly, Warner Cracker

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become:

MMMGood

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:

ZipAudiDoDa

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:

FedUP

6. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:

Poupon Pants

Last Day to Enter Contest!

Check out last Friday's blog on research that tries to prove fruit flies have free will. Explain how this helps humanity and you could win a CNBC cap. Hey, it's all I've got.

Comments? Funny Stories? Email funnybusiness@cnbc.com

  • Based in Los Angeles, Jane Wells is a CNBC business news reporter and also writes the Funny Business blog for CNBC.com.

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