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Judge Dredd-Ful And His "Reduced" $67M Pants!

Jin Nam Chung and Ki Chung, who are being sued by Judge Roy Pearson Jr.
AP
Jin Nam Chung and Ki Chung, who are being sued by Judge Roy Pearson Jr.

Good news! A guy suing a Washington, DC area dry cleaner for $67 million over a pair of pants gone missing two years ago has reduced his damages demand to only $54 million! The guy is a judge. A JUDGE! Administration law judge Roy Pearson is suing under the local Consumer Protection Act (that must be some act), claiming signs posted inside Custom Cleaners were fraudulent by promising "Satisfaction Guaranteed." Pearson wants $54 million to make it right. Talk about being taken to the cleaners.

BABBLE-JARGON-ESE
I get a lot of press releases from defense contractors. They are, quite frankly, my favorites for jargon overkill, with a nice side of clever acronyms. Releases have titles like, "Company 'X's New Program Brings Value Added Interoperability to the Warfighter in Today's NetCentric Battlespace." I'm not kidding.

The latest release is from Raytheon , which just landed one of its biggest contracts ever, worth $11.2 billion over ten years. It's called the Warfighter FOCUS program, and it's a huge army training program. Ok, one of the industry's favorite words is "warfighter," because then you don't have to say "soldiers, sailors, airmen and marines." They're all just... WARFIGHTERS! That apparently includes the guy peeling potatoes at Ft. Dix. And what does FOCUS stand for? "Field Operations Customer Support." So, like, the warfighter is your customer? Needing support? It makes me think of some poor soldier whose radio "in theater" (another favorite phrase) breaks down, so he calls "customer support" and gets some lady working the overnight shift in Bangalore. I'd prefer another term. But if you don't call it "Customer Support," you don't get FOCUS. If you called it "Warfighter Support," it would be FOWAS, and that's just not the same.

CAROL BURNETT NOT LAUGHING
A judge has tossed out a lawsuit Carol Burnett filed against Fox's "Family Guy." The animated show spoofed her famous Charwoman character, portraying her as a maid in a sex shop (ok, I actually think that's kinda funny). Burnett sued for copyright infringement, but the judge ruled it's protected speech, adding he "fully appreciates how distasteful and offensive the segment is to Ms. Burnett.''

CRABBY PRIZE
Remember I wrote that Naperville, Illinois is trying to promote going to city parks by hiding three-foot long plastic burritos around town? Well, the town of Rockaway, Oregon has a marketing scheme that makes even less sense. I live for this! Rockaway is holding its annual Jetty Fishery Crab Derby(just think about that for a moment), where dozens of Dungeness crabs are marked with letters corresponding to a series of prizes. If you can pick up a crab without getting clawed, you get a prize. Some prices include cash, but there's also a prize for a free vasectomy. No one's ever claimed that prize in the three years of the Derby (gee, really?), and local urologist Dr. Harry Rinehart tells Wireless Flash News, "We might change our current procedure: grabbing a crab and dropping it down their shorts."

Comments? Funny Stories? Email funnybusiness@cnbc.com

  • Based in Los Angeles, Jane Wells is a CNBC business news reporter and also writes the Funny Business blog for CNBC.com.

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