Just putting Erin Burnett's picture on my blog boosted my traffic more than 100% yesterday. Or maybe it was the Fake Jane pic.

CNBC.com photo composite

Ugly Betty To Beautiful Britney: Get A Job

According to Flash News, 23-year-old America Ferrera, the star of "Ugly Betty," has economic advice for Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and LiLo (That's "TMZ.com" speak for Lindsay Lohan). "To all those girls out there who don't know what to do with their lives -- get a job! It'll keep you out of trouble! It's good for you to have a structured work week."

Meantime, more bad news for Spears. German researchers at a sea life facility have noticed that sharks are more likely to have sex if listening to Joe Cocker's "You Can Leave Your Hat On," but apparently Britney's music is a turn-off. A spokeswoman for Sea Life Timmendorf, Katrin Froemsdorf, says, "I don't know why sharks don't like Britney Spears, but there was definitely nothing happening." Only in Germany, kids, only in Germany.

Mr. Clamato Lives!

Ever had Clamato juice? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Well, somebody's drinking it, because Cadbury Schweppes keeps selling it. But one bottle has gone untouched at "Late Night with Conan O'Brien." For nine years. On the "Late Night" blog (http://blog.nbc.com/latenight), "insider" Aaron Bleyaert speculates a guest may have sent the bottle over in 1998 and... no one would drink it. Here's a snippet:

"According to its website, Clamato juice (is it correct to call it a "juice", or is it considered something else?) is described as 'A robust tomato clam cocktail, seasoned with secret spices.' Hopefully, one of those spices is strychnine, because if I had to drink this thing I wouldn't want to have to live out the rest of my life with the memory of what it tastes like. But that's just me.

I don't think that I'm remiss in stating that, after being a part of our show for nine years, this bottle of Clamato juice has become an honorary staff member! The bottle has even shown up in the occasional sketch here and there, cementing its glorious and horrid tasting legacy in the hallowed halls of television history!! Nice work, Senor Clamato!
Mr. Clamato, I'm not sure if you can use the internet or not, but if you're reading this, I'd just like to say thank you. Thank you for all your hard work and dedication over these past nine years. You've seen a lot -- Andy's departure, the temporary offices, the new offices -- and you are an old and wizened bottle of disgusting clam and tomato taste. Even though you may be a freak in the beverage world, to all of us here at Late Night you'll always just be a frankensteinian mutant of two unholy flavors that makes our stomachs curl whenever we look at you. Senor Clamato: What I'm trying to say is, in the words of The Golden Girls theme song, 'Thank you for being a friend.'

Now the only question that remains is... Is it Clam-A-to? Or Clam-AH-to?!"

WELL... in a FIRST ON "FUNNY BUSINESS"... WE HAVE THE EXCLUSIVE RESPONSE FROM "Mr. Clamato" (folks, this is not a joke, I got this from the company -- BUT I HAVE EDITED IT DOWN BECAUSE, LIKE ALL PRESS RELEASES, IT'S TOO LONG):

Hey Aaron,

I'd like to thank you for all the attention you've been giving me the past few weeks...
...my legal team tells that, since I'm part of the show (I think you used the term "honorary staff member"), I really should be receiving royalty checks, or at least get preferred parking over at 30 Rock when I'm in town for a visit.

You threw out a bunch of topics on your blog, so I thought I'd take them on:
Yes, I do read the Internet, though I spend most of my time on gambling sites and match.com.

You called me a freak, but if being a freak includes having a full bodied, sensual taste experience that brings you back to life, and that millions adore, then yeah, I'm Courtney Love freaky. Maybe if you had experienced my complex, savory and unexpectedly sweet flavor, you'd know this.

Speaking of which, I'm going to send over some brand spankin' new me for you to try. Because as delicious as I am, after nine years you should NOT open that cap.
Oh, and it's Clam-AH-to.

Refreshingly yours,
Mr. Clamato

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