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A New Fake Jane? I Report, You Decide!!

Fake Jane
CNBC.com photo composite
Fake Jane

This post will test a theory I have that management doesn't read this blog. Management doesn't even know who Fake Jane is, much to Fake Jane's dismay. I was hoping the new business network from "Down Under Man" (or someone who could be named Murdoch) might reach out to Fake Jane, but it has not.

"Down Under Man" told me to instead forward head shots of Real Jane's 17-year-old daughter, who's getting an "A" in high school Econ and therefore qualifies as anchor material.

Meantime, Fake Jane languishes on the fringes of CNBC stardom. It's hard to compete against people who are better looking, more talented, and younger. And the women aren't bad, either. HA! I mean, seriously, WHERE IS THE MALE COUNTERPART TO ERIN OR BECKY OR MARIA OR SUE OR TRISH OR MELISSA? Now, don't get me wrong, Fake Jane likes anything with a "y" chromosome, and, yes, the CNBC men are hot enough. Carl, Kernen, Mr. Haines (he scares Fake Jane), Dylan, Bill, Cramer, Kudlow. You get my meaning.

Maybe what Fake Jane needs to do to compete is...become Fake John. As a man, age and beauty become less relevant. Yes, there would be a physical, financial, and psychological price to pay in making the change. For one thing, as a man, Fake Jane would be gay, because, again, Fake Jane likes the "y" chromosome types. This would mean, under current law, Fake

Jane would not be allowed to marry. But that does not appear likely anyhow.

Yet think of the press Fake John would garner! Page Six of the NY Post! A profile on "Today"! Talk of the blogosphere! Plus, in today's lawsuit-fearing employment world, becoming a transgender/transsexual gay news personality guarantees lifetime employment.

O.J.'S NEW BUSINESS PLAN
O.J. Simpson's potential new business plans are parodied by Andy Borowitz , where Andy "reveals" that Simpson is authoring a second book, "If I Robbed Them."

Comments? Funny Stories? Email funnybusiness@cnbc.com

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  • Based in Los Angeles, Jane Wells is a CNBC business news reporter and also writes the Funny Business blog for CNBC.com.

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