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Outlook For '08: Fake Jane's Predictions

Fake Jane
CNBC.com photo composite
Fake Jane

Fake Jane is very excited about 2008! She hopes to afford major reconstructive surgery which will turn back the hands of time. Or maybe she can at least afford better skincare products. Maybe she'll even go on a date! She's very optimistic that, even if she doesn't meet Mr. Right, she'll meet Mr. Desperate. Yes!

Meantime, she has gazed into her faux Swarovski crystal ball to foresee Funny Business stories in the new year.

1) Real estate:

Foreclosures drop as homeowners refinance using new Carol Alt-A mortgages, which lower payments if you look really hot.

2) Agriculture:
Corn farmers, having convinced Congress to subsidize corn for food and ethanol, win subsidies to force Americans to wear corn clothing, install corn insulation for new home construction, and smoke tobacco only through corn cob pipes. The public finally revolts when farmers push Congress to replace the bald eagle with the corn stalk as our national bird.

Angelina Jolie & Hugo Chavez
Angelina Jolie & Hugo Chavez

3) Energy:
Hugo Chavez is smitten with Angelina Jolie while the actorvist is in Venezuela to adopt her 23rd child. He boosts oil production to impress her, and oil falls below $50, but it ends badly during the premiere of Jolie's new movie, a romantic comedy called "I Hate You All." Chavez won't stop talking during the movie, and Jolie finally yells, "Why don't you shut up?"

4) Entertainment:
As the strike continues, NBC hires Latvian writers to bring their break-out hit, "Latvia's Worst Driver" to America. Hilarity ensues. Meantime, Fox slots a new reality show after "American Idol" called "Beatle Wives," starring Yoko Ono, Heather Mills, Patti Boyd and Barbara Bach, living together in a Malibu mansion where they discover they have no talent. Hilarity...ensues.

5) Defense:
Pentagon approves new $5.4 trillion deal to buy 'green' armaments which kill people but also emit enough energy to power a bombed out village for weeks, reducing our carbon footprint.

6) Publishing:
Bob Woodward has top-selling book of the year called "Number Two", which reveals that Dick and Lynne Cheney frequently attended wife-swapping "key" parties in Georgetown in the 1970's.

7) Sports:
Baseball legend Joe DiMaggio revealed to be addicted to illegal muscle laxatives during 56-game hitting streak. Marilyn said they were aspirin. New documents reveal skid mark cover-up.

8) Technology:
Google does evil.

Comments? Funny Stories? Email funnybusiness@cnbc.com

  • Based in Los Angeles, Jane Wells is a CNBC business news reporter and also writes the Funny Business blog for CNBC.com.

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