Pick Your Battles, Don’t Gum It Up!

My older sons love to talk about their  self-proclaimed statutes of limitations every time we get together. The statutes refer to secret happenings around the  house or the family, which we parents didn’t know about until long after the  fact—sometimes years after-ward.
The statutes would often be their own justice system. It was their way of handling sibling  in-house bickering or minor fi ghts in school. As the oldest, Chris shouldered much of the responsibility of “not telling” or taking care of the problem  in-house without us.

Chris, Andre, Brian, and Tony were the early band of brothers who didn’t get each other in trouble with Mama. They also learned that tattling was not the way to go unless it was something impor-tant. (Tony likes to say Kenny and Andi slept through the Rock justice system because by the time they were eligible, Julius had passed away and the dynamics had changed.) Sometimes they’d cover up for somebody who lost some money or flubbed up some-where. Some things took awhile to find out—but we always even-tually found out. One example was the tale of the bubble-gum machine.

We had an antique bubble-gum machine (with real gumballs) in our  house on Decatur Street in Brooklyn. It was an interesting piece with a heavy wrought-iron bottom. The coin slot still worked. We kept it stocked with gumballs and the boys got to keep the change if any visitors put in money. Later, we moved it upstairs to the game room area. But then it disappeared. Of course, no one knew any-thing about it. The statutes of limitations must have expired at some point  because—years  later—I finally found out what happened.

My husband always putted golf balls around the  house—he got on my last nerve about it, too. Following his lead, the boys went one further and chipped the balls. Well, I guess one of those balls headed straight for the old glass gum dome and shattered it. The boys took it apart, cleaned up the gum and the glass, and never said a word. They were ingenious about it, too. The machine pieces were snuck out inside a coat, one by one, under cover of night. Thank God it wasn’t a body. I didn’t make a stink about it—sometimes you have to pick your battles.
{MAMA’S MOJO The bottom line is: kids are kids and boys are truly boys. You never want to totally zap that spirit, browbeat them, or pound them down so they are no longer special. }

Always look for the teachable moments. Never let one pass. Sometimes kids come in from school and talk about different things that  happened—someone got in trouble for badmouthing a teacher, had a fight, found out a friend was a liar. All these are important. Use them to reinforce your rules and beliefs.

Remember, above all, the key thing you can do for your children is to spell out exactly what you expect from them. Don’t be all talk and no  action—follow through on what you say and be a good role model to your children.

It’s not possible to be a pal and an enforcer at the same time. As a parent, you need to win the authority game by letting your children know who is in charge. Help them understand that their behavior is a matter of  choice—look for the intention in their ac-tions. We’ll explore more about the surprising truth of discipline and why children really long for structure.
A tree is known and recognized and judged by its fruit.
—Matthew 12:33

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