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The Truth About Consequences
Parents, you have to be tough enough. Get up your nerve to leave the grocery store in the middle of shopping or doggy bag your restaurant meal and go home. You have to do it. Otherwise, you’ll feel like you have déjà vu everywhere you go—Oh no, he’s doing it again! Sure, it will mean the hassle of going back to the store or wherever, but think of the time and energy you’ll have to sacrifi ce if you have to deal with awful behavior as the norm rather than the exception.
But also remember to be realistic. Children who are tired, hun-gry, or both cannot be expected to exhibit their best behavior. Many times, parents have to compromise their schedules in the best interest of their children. After all, when you have no kids you can pick up and do what you want. For example, maybe you like to go grocery shopping at 10 P.M. when everything is less crowded. That’s fine, but don’t expect your little child to handle it well. We’ve all seen a parent who tries to shop with her kid long past any child’s decent bedtime. The child is often exhausted, so he ends up crying or whining. Then—guess what—the parent yells or slaps him to keep quiet and he cries again. Unless it is urgent, plan for a better time to do your necessary activities (or, see if you can get someone to watch your child).
Remember, any explanation of rules must be followed by spe-cifics about what happens if rules are not followed. This can be anything from a time-out (public or private) to loss of certain privileges like TV or outings. Be flexible. If your kid broke the rules at Grandma’s house, it makes no sense to say you are not going back there ever again—you know you can’t avoid Grandma. So, enact the “no TV” penalty phase instead. Otherwise, you will look like a fool.
Get in Touch with Your Big Bad Wolf
Yeah, if you are the parent, you have to be the one responsible for everything—and you have to be the enforcer. Sometimes, you do have to be unpop ular like the Big Bad Wolf. You can’t be pals with your kids and then turn around and enforce punishment—that shape-shifting doesn’t work. You need to be consistent.
It’s best to stand tough with your house rules. Then you don’t need to be a policeman or a big, bad you- know- what. With all the outside influences children deal with today, strong parents are needed more than ever. If you don’t impart a sense of respect and of boundaries, you are not parenting. And, if you think your kids will be prepared for the “real world” with all of its everyday frus-trations, you’ve got another thing coming.
Remember, what you don’t teach them the world will—and it won’t be kind about it. The government, police, and others will deal with your children if they go astray. Once in that system, everyone loses.
If you do not establish boundaries for your children, you deny them the skills they need to cope with life’s problems. Even if they don’t have any problems now (because you shielded them from every consequence or disappointment), they will probably have big troubles down the road, because life is not a bowl of cherries. Maybe that’s the real history behind the latest rush of stars and sports fi gures in jail or in rehab.
Warnings May Be Bad for Your Health
Warnings are fine on a pack of cigarettes. I don’t like warnings used as threats for misbehavior, as in don’t come in late again or you’ll be grounded for a week. If the formula is set (a certain broken
Andre: I notice that if my wife says something over and over, my kids know by the second time she’s not going to do anything. They got her number, they stopped listening because they figured she was all talk. But, it’s never too late to change.
Threats with no follow-through are no good. At least, act on the second threat if you can’t stop yourself from another warning. If you are all talk and no action as a parent, you are a bad disciplinarian.
If I call upstairs, my child better come down. If I have to call a second time and go up there, he’d better be sleeping or unconscious. Don’t say something unless you mean it. My kids knew we meant it!
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