I Am Your Mama, Not Your Friend

I never felt the need to be friends with my children—not when they were eight or ten. Not even when they were sixteen years old. My kids had their own friends and I had mine. I never set out to win any popularity contests on the home front. Like my mother, I know my kids don’t have to like me—neither do yours.

My mother’s overall message was a good one; I finally under-stand it: being a parent is not about being right, it’s about doing right. It’s about serving as a steadfast role model for your children, no matter what. Children really do look to adults for examples and guidance (you just never meet a teenager who would admit it).

Here’s a secret: I didn’t even like my mother until I was forty years old. Did I love her? Yes. I also respected her. Sure, when I was growing up I resented her when she was right about things—and, believe me, she always was.

Be honest. When you first had your baby
Andre: I thought my mother didn’t know what she was talking about. But, let me tell you, I found out she knew everything. I didn’t give her enough credit, especially when she told me about women. However, she was right. Now, I tell my kids they’ve got to listen to their Mama (my wife).

Were you torn between being a parent and a friend to the child? In my world, there is no decision to make. It was made when you had your child. As a parent, you are responsible for your child’s mental, emotional, and spir-itual growth. Your friends don’t ask you to be accountable for them in the same way, do they?

After all, I don’t tell my friends what to do or punish them if they don’t keep a promise
to me (OK, I usually act kind of cool toward them for awhile, but you know what I mean). I don’t make rules for them and certainly never enforce any. My friends also don’t expect me to provide their security or be their protector.

You ask me: Mama Rock,  can’t I be both a parent and a friend to my children? Listen, when parents say they want to be friends with a child it is usually about pleasing the child; after all, no one likes friction. Every parent must have the courage to be in charge and to say no. You can have fun with your kids just like you can with a  friend—we had plenty of  fun—but you  can’t be afraid to enforce the rules because you might lose your child’s affection. As
parents, we have to protect our children. That is a job for a parent—not a friend.

Draw the Line to Win Respect
Just as I talk differently to my children than I would to my friends, I expect my children to talk differently to me than they would to their friends. Once, when Andi was a teen-
ager, we  were together in the car having a funny, girl conversation about boys. I don’t remember what I said, but suddenly she blurted out, “You lie, that’s just a lie!” I felt like throwing her out of the car. Then I re-alized I had allowed that moment. I had to quietly remind her I was not her girlfriend; there  were certain things she was not allowed to say to me, ever.

I think there are topics (like girl talk) where you can be friendly or joke around

Brian: My father didn’t try to be our friend and neither did my mother. They were our parents. Friends  were people who liked you and who you liked; mutual feelings and all that. It damages a child when you only act like a friend. They will think the world revolves around them and always will.

At no time should you let your children think they can disrespect you or treat you like a buddy. It’s never OK for your child to disrespect you in any way, at any time, for any reason. They need to know that up front. We’ve all seen those crazy mothers on Maury or Jerry Springer. You know, the ones who complain how their  children—even  ten-year-olds—talk back to them. I want to shout to the TV screen: “Hey lady, you are the parent, you need to draw the line and get some respect for yourself.”

The message to children is this: you cannot live in my house, spend my money, and disrespect me. It is that simple. I don’t hand out freebies. Brian remembers one time when he was angry with me for not allowing him to go somewhere with a friend. He started to yell at me. I said to him: “Where is YOUR child you are yelling at? I don’t see any child, I just see your Mama being yelled at, and you are in some big trouble.”

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