Funny Business

AP Britney Spears

A new NPD report says girls ages eight to 12 spend a half billion dollars a year on beauty products (did I mention they are eight to 12?). Fragrance and body sprays are their favorite items, with the top brands being Bath and Body Works and Britney Spears. This is marketing genius! Eight-year-old girls are incapable of smelling anything other than lovely, but they’ve been convinced they need to smell like Britney.

Of course, we, Fake Jane, haven’t seen our eighth birthday since before Nixon met Mao (good times). So in this challenging economy, the American Society of Plastic Surgeons has us in its sites. Unlike Karen Allen, back in the latest "Indiana Jones" movie, and who is now 56 years old with no work done and looking fantastic, Fake Jane looks like a Slim Jim beef stick. Plastic surgeons want to make sure we don’t skimp on our Glycolic Acid eye cream, Botox, and Restylane. Don’t worry, honey, FJ’ll skip dinner before she skips those. Which she does. A lot.

Anyhow, the plastic surgeons have launched a new website called www.beautyforlife.com for consumers, which “offers advice on both lifestyle changes and cosmetic medical procedures that can help them achieve their personal goals.” Funny, we couldn’t find any advice on lifestyle changes on the site…

There was a free quiz to determine one’s beauty needs, so we took it. After lying about our age, height, weight, whether we smoked and took dietary supplements, we got to the good stuff.

“What price are you willing to spend to be happier with your appearance?

Less than $1,000

$1,000 - $2,499

$2,500 - $4,999

$5,000 - $9, 999

$10,000 or more

Note the wording of the money question. Not, “How much are you willing to spend on plastic surgery,” but how much “to be happier with your appearance.” Well, a new pair of sunglasses would make FJ happier with her appearance. Still, we checked the “$10k or more” box. Being fake, money is no object. We were asked which procedures we’d like (we checked every one), and how much time we could take off (we checked the maximum—“Two weeks or more”).

Then we got the results. Apparently Fake Jane doesn’t need any lifestyle changes! Only lots and lots of surgery! Suggestions included a brow lift, face lift, hair restoration surgery, chemical peel, laser skin resurfacing, dermabrasion, microdermabrasion, eyelid surgery, nose reshaping, botox, facials, laser-based treatments, breast augmentation, abdominoplasty, liposuction, arm lift, thigh lift, sclerotherapy (don’t even know what that is), body contouring, fat graft, intense pulsed light, injectable fillers, and retinoid creams.

THEN! The site recommended “related procedures,” including a “breast reduction.” Which is interesting because they’d already suggested breast augmentation. We guess that means Fake Jane currently has Goldilocks breasts—they’re “just right.” But this is not acceptable if America has lost its Goldilocks economy. No one makes money if FJ doesn't augment and then reduce.

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