More Videos- Lenny Dykstra - What Went Wrong?
- EADS: No Regrets For Tanker Try
- Jackson's Socks, Belt Buckle And Brain
- The Jackson Memorial: The Gift That Keeps Giving
- Jackson Memorial: Not Quite The Logistical "Thriller"
- Jackson Memorial: Behind The Blue Wall
- Michael Jackson: Death And Taxes
- Michael Jackson: The Music And The Money
- Cuddle Parties Heat Up
- Jackson's 'Wife'? One Woman Claims She's the One
- Warren Buffett Tells CNBC Consumer Sales Remain "Very, Very Soft"
- July 10th in Market History
- Microsoft Plays a Game of Bing Pong
- Options Smell 'Blood' on Infosys
- Christmas in July: Consumers To Out-Scrooge Scrooge
- GM's Second Chance
- Art Cashin: Traders Weigh Obama Policy Changes
- Warren Buffett: Economy Needs Another Dose of Viagra
- Commercial Real Estate: 'Ticking Time Bomb'
- Assets Are Less Toxic, but Banks Have Other Troubles
- AIG Prepares to Pay More Bonuses: Report
- Chevron Says Q2 Hit by US Refining, Weak Dollar
- Stimulus Critics Put Obama, Democrats on Defensive
- Warren Buffett: Consumer Sales Remain 'Very, Very Soft'
- Japan Deflation Deepens as Wholesale Prices Tumble
- Australian PM Says Caution Needed on China Spy Case
- Don’t Get Burned By Hot Emerging Markets
- Busch: Chinese Bank Announces Bombshell
RSS FEED
Text Size 
The market leaving you speechless? Here's a new market vocabulary making the rounds. My favorite is the new definition of "profit."
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO -- Chief Fraud Officer.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
Questions? Comments? Funny Stories? Email
Data is a real-time snapshot *Data is delayed at least 15 minutes