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Funny Business
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Oh, baby! Thursday I suggested that since we aren't getting much in the way of apologies from Wall Street CEO's, or gratitude for bailing them out, that perhaps you, dear readers, could pretend to be a CEO and make that mea culpa. Well, you delivered. Some of you even sent pictures. At some point next week I will pick a winner (hey, it's my contest) and then cough up some sort of pathetic prize.
I'm posting these in segments, so here's the first batch.
Funny Business Comments: |
From Bill Marmie:
"Dear American Taxpayer,
I know these uncertain economic times have you considerably stressed and worried. Me too. All boats sink in the tide. My yacht, for example, is costing me a bundle on payments and I may even need to downsize. We are all hurting.
You may consider me irresponsible for allowing practices that encouraged lending to people who are spending beyond their means. But, just think, now we share something in common. We just supported a bailout package where our great government is spending beyond its means. So you are not sacrificing alone. I'm mortgaging my children's future just as you are. We are all in this together.
And we all bear the blame. And I sincerely apologize for loving this great country so much that I desired to see everyone have a home, and everyone have a job and everyone enjoy an economy of unlimited growth for ever and ever.
Sincerely,
[[insert CEO name here]]
From Jason Jepson channels AIG:
"I would like to take this moment and let the American people know that it is not polite, no wait – downright rude - to give money and then just start placing restrictions on it. Most of you taxpaying citizens can’t begin to imagine what’s it’s like to run a multibillion dollar company into the ground and then con Congress into getting $85 billion of your tax dollars. The stress that surrounds that is something your $55k-a-year minds cannot even begin to understand – so I am so sorry for taking a bit of time out for 'me' and my staff at the St. Regis in the beautiful Newport Beach, CA. We needed some 'us' time; some time to reflect; some time to strategize.
Now that I have apologized I would like to take this time and let America know about our new slogan, 'Let’s get JUICED!' America you have paid for it, so get behind it! Get JUICED with me. Jose Conseco will be the new spokesperson for AIG, joining us in getting JUICED! What is JUICED? It is an acronym, something we brainstormed out at the St. Regis--see, our time was not wasted there. JUICED means, Join Us In Creating Excitement Dammit! We have 85 billion reasons to be excited and you paid for it so get JUICED with us and let’s make 09 GRRRRRRRRREAT!
Robert Willumstad
CEO, AIG
'I am getting JUICED, are you?'"
"Juancitow" weighs in as Morgan Stanley's Fake John Mack:
"My fellow Americans....the time has come to accept responsibility for the financial turmoil we are currently experiencing. I have decided to stand up and take the blame for sinking this country into a prolonged recession....unfortunately, I can't stand up right now because I'm getting a massage on my new 80 foot motor yacht, 'Where your retirement went'."
From Joseph Leff, as Lehman's Fake Dick Fuld:
"Dear America -- I'm sorry that I opposed raising the minimum wage, but making only $20 million per year, what else could I do? I'm sorry that now you're having to subsidize the bailout of the financial firm which I led into this mess, but it also means I'm receiving only a 20% increase in compensation this year. As you can see, I feel your pain. Thank you, American middle class, thank you.
Fake Fuld"
From Glenn Gayle:
"I’m sorry that I am a complete and total dim-witted demented moronic imbecilic jackass who thinks 1 + 1 = 3."
- How Your Fake CEOs Say "I'm Sorry" (Pt 5) And Make Money
- Your Fake CEOs Say "I'm Sorry" As Art (Pt 4)
- How Your Fake CEOs (And A Pol) Say "I'm Sorry" (Pt 3)
- How Your Fake CEOs Say "I'm Sorry" (Pt 2) With Pictures
Questions? Comments? Funny Stories? Email
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