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Funny Business
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Finally, WST creates not only a fake apology, but a completely made-up CEO! (Anyone notice the continuing yacht theme in these apologies?) This is the longest and most thought-out letter I received. Someone clearly had a lot to get off his/her chest:
Funny Business Comments: |
"Dear Shareholders:
It has recently come to my attention that some or all of our short and long term financial planning may have been flawed. Other companies have also encountered similar financial dilemmas and as a result the United States has entered into a temporary downturn economically. While we as a country sort through the financial turmoil and try to make sense of the fallout, I wanted to let you know what this company is doing in this time of crisis.
I remember distinctly being woken up one afternoon by my yacht's captain about four weeks ago with an urgent call from our CFO. He explained that some of our investment portfolio may have been compromised due to rapidly changing market conditions and that he was cutting his skiing vacation short by three weeks and flying home from Austria as soon as the corporate jet could be routed through Monaco. I made similar arrangements and immediately set sail from Biminy to our corporate headquarters. I can tell you that 250 feet of boat has never felt so small and insignificant as it did those three arduous days through the Caribbean Sea.
Upon arrival we immediately launched into a strategy session lasting several days and finally decided to hold our emergency corporate meeting in Hilton Head, S.C.. Our team was fully assembled three days later, but, unfortunately, all the corporate beach cabanas had been reserved. We were able to arrange immediate temporary conference facilities at the resort's golf course and, in a happy turn, at significant savings to the company. We labored for the better part of three days developing emergency measures to preserve capital, ensure our viability going forward and protect the vital corporate management necessary to continue the decision-making process through these challenging times.
I am happy to say we devised a plan that should meet the approval of the board and shareholders. It will be mailed to you FedEx. We felt so strongly about the merits of the plan, I instructed the printer to emboss our corporate seal and gild the pages in gold leaf. I think you will agree on reading it that it merits this honor.
I wanted to let each and every one of our shareholders know that we are standing firm at the helm during this turmoil. Rest assured that the same management that led you into the night will lead you back into the day. I appreciate the confidence you have placed in this company and the forthcoming federal funds that all Americans have voted to contribute to assist this global financial crisis. I will continue to act as a tireless advocate for our companies' assets and ensure the strongest possible balance sheet going forward. On behalf of this company and similar entities worldwide I ask humbly for your patience during this trying time.
Wilber Hoggins
President and CEO
Globo-Dynamic Corporation" Questions? Comments? Funny Stories? Email
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