Funny Business

FAKE VIKRAM PANDIT APOLOGIZES—FROM HIS PANIC ROOM

From Jeff Jacobs, an entry in my "Fake CEO Apology" contest that has me laughing out loud. Tomorrow will be the last day I accept entries!

"Dear Lovely Fake Maria:

Thank you for your request. I am honored and available for a video conference at your pleasure although not in-person. Current strident employee passions won’t let me leave my panic room, never mind my office. Purging previous management has created much needed empty office space around my suite. But I digress; I am here for you. Let me address your issues.

I apologize for recent misfortunes including the aborted purchase of Wachovia. At Citigroup (Citi Never Sleeps [tm]) we strive to be the best company in the world, bar none: the Biggest, Finest, and First (BFF). We value all clients and customers, even those who cannot differentiate between Baker Hughes and Howard Hughes. We initially resisted the Wachovia transaction since they brought it to us; we were not First. After pondering, I decided to proceed based on their name. “WACHOVIA” is such a cool, normal-sounding name. I don’t blame their mortgage portfolios for the defeat but instead my legal counsel. It wasn’t their failure to secure exclusivity or other contractual thingies; it was playing craps with Wells Fargo lawyers in the 69th floor men’s room. Our attorneys desperately threw in the contract then tossed snake eyes on the come-out roll.

RE: distressed mortgages, I apologize for our lack of serendipity but not our BFF passion. When our brethren invented subprime mortgages, we sought to own more than anyone. Biggest is best. BFF is our DNA. It’s American to let everyone to pursue home ownership, even those without jobs / means to repay. We even offered special ninja loans to GameStop customers. But to take our offerings and then criticize us for misfortune? Isn’t this the “let he who is without sin cast the first stone” thingy? There are two different types: those who cast rocks and those who get stoned, alas, but to serve our shareholders and customers we must first survive. We must become so Big that the Fed cannot let us fail. Ergo, the Bailout. I relayed this to Fake Meredith Whitney along with some roses. She burned them and returned the ashes without reply.

I agree we must reign in costs. Your network provides plush necessities such as the CNBC Day Spa / Salon, Concierge, catered snack carts, and the CNBC Shopping Mall, but we must embrace austerity. I do not golf or sail, preferring books to fancy wines. Recent titles include “Build Your Own Panic Room” and “Credit Default Swaps For Dummies.” I ask similar sacrifices from my outstanding if distressed team. We are implementing my internal memos but I apologize for certain ambiguities. Off-site meetings (phone / video only) are eliminated, but most critical are color copies and Blackberry usage. We limit color copies to client presentations only, require double-sides, and are removing machines from nonessential locations including headquarters and banking branches. Blackberries are NOT limited to one per employee as rumored. We instead have one Blackberry – for the entire corporation. This rotates among all employees around the world, me included; HR assigns usage times. My face is the screen background. We tried to save shipping costs by using carrier pigeons, but they had trouble lifting loan documents and depositions. They also kept dropping the Blackberry. Then my cats ate them.

We have our Never Sleeps Always Green [tm] agenda. For example, wasteful drinking fountains are replaced with recyclable plastic buckets of water from the Hudson River. We tried limiting potty breaks to once daily but counsel overruled us. We substituted cheaper toilet paper, short sheeted the rolls, and mandated using both sides. We replaced paper towels with marked-down Lehman Bros. commercial paper certificates. With our One Restroom One Culture [tm] retrofit program, we eliminate gender barriers, promote equality, and reduce plumbing by combining separate-sex restrooms into unisex ones ala “Ally McBeal”. This fosters camaraderie; as does merging IT with our gym. We’re powering network servers from generators driven by stationary bicycles and treadmills. All employees must exercise daily, me included, to keep our system running.

Bailouts and writedowns aside, we will survive. Our people and our heritage will endure; our shareholders will thrive. Citi Never Sleeps [tm] and for the last three days neither have I. Please contact me to set up a conference video. Also give my best wishes to Fake Erin and Fake Jane.

Fake Vikram"

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