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Funny Business
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Congratulations to Jeff Jacobs of Columbus, Ohio, for winning my "Best Fake CEO Apology" contest! Jeff brought us Fake Citigroup's Fake Vikram Pandit, who, among other things, noted that he wanted to finally buy Wachovia because it "is such a cool, normal-sounding name."
A very presentable CNBC cap will be snail-mailing its way to Ohio (probably not FedEx overnight, as we are trying to cut costs here at NBC Universal).
Thanks to all who entered, including:
Helena Handbasket's Fake Lloyd Blankfein of Fake Goldman Sachs-- "I am sorry that Warren Buffet likes us more than he likes you."
Rick Kellogg as Fake Dick Fuld of Fake Lehman Bros.-- "I wake up every night, staring out at the moonlit ocean thinking about what I could have done differently. There's an apology in there somewhere."
Joseph Leff's Fake Dick Fuld also apologizes-- "I'm receiving only a 20% increase in compensation this year. As you can see, I feel your pain."
Anonymous spoofed Fuld with a new sales product-- "$10 million senior profuse apologies, $20 million subordinated sorries, $50 million junior shrugs."
Jason Jepson came up with a new AIG motivational program called "Juiced" -- "What is JUICED? It is an acronym, something we brainstormed out at the St. Regis--see, our time was not wasted there. JUICED means, Join Us In Creating Excitement Dammit!"
Juancitow was Fake John Mack at Fake Morgan Stanley standing up to take the blame--"Unfortunately, I can't stand up right now because I'm getting a massage on my new 80 foot motor yacht, 'Where your retirement went'."
Most artistic apology came from Paul Bailey, who said "Sorry" in autumn leaves.
WST who made up a company and a CEO for his apology after learning of the economic crisis while on his yacht-- "I can tell you that 250 feet of boat has never felt so small and insignificant as it did those three arduous days through the Caribbean Sea."
Bill Marmie also took up the yacht theme-- "All boats sink in the tide. My yacht, for example, is costing me a bundle on payments and I may even need to downsize.."
Tony Schneider was the "everyman CEO" losing his job with everyone else-- "I will have much time at my chateau to ponder what I might have done differently to affect a more successful outcome."
From Glenn Gayle-- "I'm sorry that I am a complete and total dim-witted demented moronic imbecilic jackass who thinks 1 + 1 = 3."
From Andrew Gilmore-- "We're really sorry we shafted you this way but look on the bright side - you're all invested in the market now and that can only be a good thing."
Rhdsousa apologized as Fake Sen. Chris Dodd-- "I am sorry that we in Congress have created such a mess with Freddie and Fannie."
John Rohmiller was both Sen. Dodd and Sen. Barney Frank-- "We're sorry the big bad Bush administration didn't make us act responsibly. But we'll make it up to you by finding someone to punish."
Marc Isikoff-- "I'm $orry!"
From Andrew Punch-- "You were a fool for trusting anybody that lives in New York with your money."
Pedro Gonzalez apologized from his spa day (see the photos) --"I am so thankful you have sent us your tax money so I may get my facial and pedicure..."
David Thomas apologized to laid off Wall Street employees-- "We will be thinking of you while we have our drinks at the country club."
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