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Faking Your Own Death for Dummies

Another fugitive, suicide-faking fraudster is in police custody and all I can say is — I'm appalled!

Oscar Meyer
Oscar Meyer

Wall Street guys like to make you think they're the smartest guys in the room. And they talk a lot of trash that money management is risky business and if you can't run with the big dogs, you'd better get your assets back on the porch.

And then they deliver these ridiculous fake suicides like Florida's Art Nadel, who left a suicide note for his wife and then vanished for a month before turning himself in to police.

For such "smart" guys, these fake suicides are getting ridiculous!

The previous one-hit wonder, Marcus Schrencker, gets points for style — faking a plane crash, parachuting out and making a getaway on a motorcycle.

(Let's just say it's got a lot more made-for-TV potential than, writing "Suicide is painless" in the dust and getting your girlfriend in trouble. I'm talking to you, Sam Israel.)

But the fact that Schrencker sent a "By-the-time-you-get-this-I'll-be-gone" email to a neighbor the day before, turned the light off in the cockpit before he jumped, issued a “distress” call early enough for military jets to escort the empty plane to its crash site, then picked a red—RED!—motorcycle to make his getaway is an insult to the collective IQ of Wall Street.

Don't you people watch CSI?

I may not know much about forensics but I can tell you this much: You always pick the gray Yamaha, not the red.

You wait to make the distress call until just before the plane crashes — IN THE OCEAN. (Sharks are excellent accomplices.)

You don't slash your wrists. Everyone knows it doesn't work and it just ups your pathetic quotient.

You don't write suicide notes or send good-bye emails.

First rule of fake suicide club is: You don't talk about fake suicide club.

Seriously, it's like pouring a hot cup of coffee: If you're going to do this, you have to do it quickly and with conviction. Otherwise, it will drip and that's a coffee-spot trail right to your door, mister. After that, the only coffee you'll be having will be prison-issued, and you’ll find yourself clinging to the bitter-mouthed buzz it gives you, imagining it's the smooth ride of a Dominican cigar.

For a more complete how-to guide, check out these tips for escaping capture from Dealbreaker.com.

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