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Live. Laugh. Love. Oh, Be Quiet

Monday, 4 Jan 2010 | 9:54 AM ET

Happy New Year!

Time to resolve to do better, to enjoy life, and to become annoyed with people who tell you to stop and smell the coffee.

The important thing about New Year’s resolutions is to aim low.

My neighbor for years resolved to lose ten pounds, failing every time. Last year, she didn’t make any weight loss resolutions…and lost 15 pounds. See?

Still, I play the game. Here are the resolutions I made a year ago for 2009:

  1. I will gossip less. Friends and family say I made microscopic progress here.
  2. I will volunteer more. I volunteered, but not more. Maybe less. Will reverse that trend in 2010.
  3. I will invest in real estate. Nope. Instead, I put that money in the stock market and got much better returns without the tenant issues.

I give myself a “C”.

Aiming even lower, here are my resolutions for 2010:

  1. No texting while driving (oh, don’t look so shocked). I’m now putting my Blackberry in the backseat, out of reach, hoping my Pavlovian desire to reach for it every three minutes will soon subside.
  2. Only checking the Blackberry twice at home on weeknights (again with the Blackberry).
  3. No cursing. Profanity has become so commonplace it’s lost all value. I’m striving to be more creative in my anger. Someone has suggested I speak clinically to avoid profanity (“Fornicate that excrement!”), while another suggested I use some of his grandmother’s old phrases (“Hotter than Dutch love!”). I definitely want to use “Hotter than Dutch Love” in a moment of fury, but I need to find the appropriate scenario.

That brings me to the “Funny Business” blog.

Here are my resolutions for the blog:

  1. Avoid lameness.
  2. More joy, less whining.
  3. Continued celebration of the wacky Americans (and others) who’ve developed hilarious business ideas.
  4. At least as much toilet humor, MAYBE MORE. Sorry. I can’t change who I am.
  5. An abiding and unapologetic obsession with Tiger Woods. It is a big story, I want to know what happens, and you will not convince me otherwise. Plus, everybody’s trying to make a funny business buck off of it.

In that vein, while I was on vacation, I discovered that someone is actually selling Tiger Condoms, which, ironically, Woods should have considered wearing. The condoms are made by PracticeSafePolicy.com, which also sells Obama, McCain,and Palin condoms. The Tiger prophylactics (“Approved for Swingers”) cost $3.95 EACH—for that price, they oughtta protect you from bad publicity, too. Finally, customers can even download a ringtone from the website and hear a rapper who sounds a lot like Woods tell you repeatedly, “Just do it”.

And the year’s only just started…

The Latest on Tiger Woods

Questions? Comments? Funny Stories? Email funnybusiness@cnbc.com

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  • Based in Los Angeles, Jane Wells is a CNBC business news reporter and also writes the Funny Business blog for CNBC.com.

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