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How to Get Fired! And Other Great Job Advice

Wednesday, 7 Apr 2010 | 9:06 AM ET

Now that companies are starting to hire again, here’s a book to add to your summer reading list: “How to Get Fired,” by Jeff Havens.

Jeff Havens
Photo: jeffhavens.com
Jeff Havens

Havens, a high school teacher turned standup comedian, said the book is aimed at 20-somethings.

“Apparently, a big issue for employers is to try to figure these kids out,” Havens said. “They have a different approach to the world: Their attention span is shorter. They want things to happen more immediately and they want more attention,” he explained.

“And no one was talking to them directly to help prepare them for the working world,” he said.

Hey, look — if you don’t talk to your kids about “deliverables” and “face time,” who will?

Exactly.

In the book, Havens outlines the Four Pillars of Poverty: faking your resume, establishing your incompetence, destroying your work ethic and alienating your co-workers.

In the “Treat Your Job Like College” chapter, Havens writes, “A lot of your colleagues are going to make work a priority. They’re going to show up every day, on time, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.”

How to Get Fired by Jeff Havens
How to Get Fired by Jeff Havens

“These people are morons. They will never have what it takes to get fired,” Havens says. “If you want to get fired quickly, you need to approach going to work the same way that you approach going to class—namely, only do it when you absolutely must.”

One of the best days to not go to work is Tuesday, Havens says. It’s “a stupid day to do anything,” he explains. “You’ve already forgotten what you did last weekend and next weekend is too far away to picture clearly. Do yourself a favor and stay home.”

In the “Whining, Grumbling and Complaining” chapter, Havens offers a how-to guide. “The first trick to effective complaining is believing you have come out on the losing end of everything,” Havens writes.

After all that market-tested advice for how to get fired, which is sure to elicit an OMG, an LOL or possibly even a ROTFL, Havens offers some serious advice about how to stay hired in this era of ME-ME-ME, NOW-NOW-NOW.

It’s FUNNY-FUNNY-FUNNY.

The Pony on Jobs:

Questions? Comments? Email me at ponyblog@cnbc.com or drop a line in the comment box below.

More from The Pony Blog: ponyblog.cnbc.com

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