Darren: You’re a hard man to pin down. How did you and Adrian “All Day” Peterson meet?
Tugwater: We met in a shipping crate in 2008. I’d been living there for two years, working fantasy cases on small time crooks. “AD” had a flashlight and a 45-page proposal to hire me full time. It’s been a dream ever since.
Darren: They say laywers are also known to be good liars, what makes you different than most lawyers?
Tugwater: I’m the best liar. I’m also scuba certified. So when we’re diving off Australia and run into sharks, I’ll know what to do. You on the other hand. It doesn’t end so well.
Darren: What’s harder to chew through: a football or actual pigskin?
Tugwater: Both melt like butter once you dislocate your jaws.
Darren: You go after every fantasy owner in America like the evil Santa of fantasy football. What’s in your sack?
Tugwater: Hmm. Let me dig: broken camera equipment, vitaminwater energy, anti-venom, rocks, courage, mini-VCR tapes, dirt and a photo of a two-headed bald eagle wearing an American flag.
Darren: What key factors interest you to take on a case?
Tugwater: Pride. And the chance to Velcro fantasy owners to their roofs. That’s always a dealmaker.
Darren: How’s your Facebook page going? Any thoughts on the film?
Tugwater: Seven thousand fans at this point. And I know the home address of every single one of them. Regarding the movie, I’m disappointed it wasn’t in 3-D. Could’ve used more owls, too.
Darren: There are many versions of you on the Internet. Who is the real man?
Tugwater: Much like those thumbtacks I swallowed years ago in a fishing accident, it’s buried deep inside me.
Darren: When was the last time you were at the dentist?
Tugwater: When was the last time you asked a decent question? I can’t remember either.
Darren: Where is the line between contract negotiations and blackmail?
Tugwater: If I say, “Sign this contract or I’ll be at your house tomorrow with an angry gorilla,” it’s a negotiation. If we’re already inside and wrecking the place, it’s blackmail.
Darren: One of my friends has "All-Day" on his fantasy team and yet he’s still losing. What should he do?
Tugwater: Call a shaman and have him paint footballs and thunderbolts on his ceiling. If that doesn’t work, at least he’ll have some lovely decorations.
Darren: What’s with you and vitaminwater energy?
Tugwater: I can’t get enough. It fuels my rage. The guy delivers crates of it by the day. It’s great fun watching them run past my Dobermans.
Darren: What fun activities do you do outside the courtroom?
Tugwater: I put in my hours at the gym. Thousands of squats and dead lifts. I’m also writing a film about an athlete who much choose between football and competitive hot dog eating. It’s a semi-autobiography.
Darren: Love the hot dog eating contest. If someone gave you a billion dollars, what would you do with it?
Tugwater: Buy a professional stadium. I’m sick of being told, “Sir, you may not enter the facility wearing only a giant #1 foam finger.” Stadium security. No fashion sense. I swear.
Darren: Thanks for your time. We’re done here.
Tugwater: Oven’s ringing. My baked Alaska is ready.
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