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How to Spend My Mega Million Winnings: The Bacon Coffin?

I'm looking forward to winning tonight's Mega Millions lottery, now up to $640 million, with a cash option of $462 million.

I'll take the cash.

I've already started contemplating how to spend it—pay off all the mortgages and college costs for family members, give a lot to charity, never fly commercial again (EVER), and probably stop working.

Then probably go back to work because I can't sit around for the rest of my life.

And when that life ends, since I can't take it with me, I will spend part of my fortune planning a dream funeral. That funeral may have to include the Bacon Coffin, “for those who love bacon to death,” because I do.

Bacon Coffin
Source:
Bacon Coffin

Created by J&D's Bacon Salt, the $2,999 coffin is not actually made of bacon, just looks like it is. The company tells the Huffington Postthis is no porcine prank. It’s a real coffin, and they've already sold one. (The company, however, is known for releasing suspect bacon products around April Fool’s Day). "The company also claims the pork-themed casket includes a bacon air freshener 'for when you get that buried-underground, not-so-fresh feeling.'"

Ok, that’s $2,999 spent. What other ways can I turn a large fortune into a smaller one?

I may produce a record by the (alleged) drunk whose rendition of Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" in the back of a police squad car—complete with instrumentation—is the best tribute I've seen in a long time. Watch to the end. It's worth it.

Turns out the guy's name is Robert Wilkinson, and he can use the money, as he's unemployed and appears to have no prospects. None.

But he has talent!

When The Smoking Gunasked him how he could so accurately recall every detail of Queen's anthem, he replied by “rattling off a long string of digits in Pi."

Other potential plans to spend my Mega Millionsincluding buying out Frank McCourt's share of the Dodger Stadiumparking lots so he will just go away. Or I could finance not one but THREE box office bombs like "John Carter." One thing I will be forced to do is fork over 10 percent in income taxes to the state of California, or around $50 million of any cash lump sum payout. That makes me a little ill. However, this way I could walk into the DMV demanding service immediately, yelling, "I pay all your salaries," and I’d be completely accurate.

Finally, for those of you who do not win Mega Millionswith me, here's a novel way to make a few bucks.ParkAtMyHouse.comis a website that allows you to rent out empty parking spaces, driveways, etc., to people who need a spot and don't want to pay full market rates. The UK company is just moving into the U.S. and made a splash at Austin's SWSX. COO Alex Stephany says it's a great way to find parking for up to 70% less while, at the same time, making home owners a little extra cash. He told the Triple Pundit blogthat the company has 150,000 customers in the UK, and BMW has come on board as an investor and "strategic partner."

Go the site and type in your zip code to find out what your driveway is worth. Mine is worth $1,500 a year, or about $4.11 a day. But who wants to park at my house? I'm in the middle of a suburban neighborhood far away from anywhere you'd want to go. Then I typed in 10019, a zip code for midtown Manhattan, where finding a parking spot is rare and rates are sky high. The value of a spot there? Close to $3,500 a year...to park in Manhattan! That's less than $10 a day! If I win $640 million tonight I can afford to park there for the next 183,000 years. Maybe I’ll park my bacon coffin there.

Questions? Comments? Funny Stories? Email funnybusiness@cnbc.com

  • Based in Los Angeles, Jane Wells is a CNBC business news reporter and also writes the Funny Business blog for CNBC.com.

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