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Monday's Celebrity Stock Trade

PARIS PAIRS TRADE

Short Paris Hilton, go long Kim Kardashian.

Paris Hilton and Kim Kardasian
Adam Jeffery | CNBC (L) and Greg DeGuire |Getty Images (R)
Paris Hilton and Kim Kardasian

Both women are 31 years old, both became famous for sex tapes, but their career charts are moving in inverse directions.

Hilton, born with money, continues to fritter it away. She made the tabloidsagain this weekend after her boyfriend allegedly punched another guy whose girlfriend was getting a tad affectionate with the heiress at a Vegas nightclub.

While this might be somehow amusing for a 21-year-old, it becomes a bit old for a 31-year-old. Will we still be reading about Vegas club exploits when Hilton is 41? 51?

Meantime, say what you will about Kim Kardashian, but she has managed to turn nothing into a legitimate empire. No one's forcing you to pay attention to her or buy her stuff, and she's not breaking any laws.

FATTEN UP ON FAT CALLS

Start acquiring December calls on Christina Aguilera and Lady Gaga. Aguilera's hit show on NBC, "The Voice," is still performing, though ratings are down from a year ago. However, in an interview with Billboard, the singer says she's told critics of her weight gain, "You are working with a fat girl. Know it now and get over it." Who doesn't love that sort of honesty?

Meantime, Gaga, who's been criticized for gaining 25 pounds (and looking normal), has fought back with a new organization called A Body Revolution 2013. Yes, this nation has an obesity problem. However, the solution is not for pop stars to starve themselves. Uh, Adele, hello! Now that we've gotten that out of the way, the temporary dip in Aguilera/Gaga shares can now begin to recover.

LONG EUROPE

Lots of short covering on Ian Poulter this morning. The British golfer single-handedly turned around the momentum this weekend at the Ryder Cup.

Team USA suffered an epic collapse from which Steve Stricker may never recover. The Euros played for the late great Seve Ballesteros, and, in the end, the Americans were Seve-stated.

The European team included Brits, Northern Irish, Germans, plus some Belgian guy, but we also saw golfers from financially troubled EU members Spain and Italy. The way the team pulled together can only inspire Europe's financial and political leaders to be as impressive and united in overcoming long odds.

SHORT NEW YORK CITY

As long as Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes are in the Big Apple, no one is safe.

—By CNBC's Jane Wells
@janewells

Questions? Comments? Funny Stories? Email funnybusiness@cnbc.com

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  • Based in Los Angeles, Jane Wells is a CNBC business news reporter and also writes the Funny Business blog for CNBC.com.

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