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More Signs of the Apocalypse

You know the Mayans were right when in 2012 we care more about apps than actual maps, when women want to bind themselves (in binders?) to TMZ-worthy sperm, and when Bieber Fever is reduced to duct tape.

President Barack Obama said during Tuesday night's debate that his grandmother "didn't complain ... that's not what you did in her generation."

This generation, however, complains about everything. Like when our new iPhones don't have Google Maps, a "first world problem" parodied on "Saturday Night Live." In the sketch, geeky Apple aficionados are forced to explain their iPhone 5 nitpicking to underfed and overworked Chinese Foxconn workers. (Read More: Apple's Messy Map Problem .)

Then there are the dumb things we do with our electronic devices. I've poured a grande/two-pump/non fat/no whip mocha all over my iPad and flushed a $250 remote key to a sports car down a toilet.

Unfortunately, I'm not the only idiot.

A survey by warranty company SquareTrade reveals that when it comes to "iPhone accidents, " we are a nation of butterfingers.

More than half of all iPhone mishaps happen in the home — one in five in the kitchen. Don't text and cook, it's a recipe for disaster. Sixteen percent of accidents happen in the bathroom, and most of those (9 percent) are iPhones dropped in the toilet.

Why isn't there an app for THAT?

DUMB TO DUMBER

Meanwhile, a new sperm donor service in the U.K. is offering women anonymous celebrity sperm for $24, 000.

"Fame Daddy is the only premium insemination service to now offer this unprecedented level of intimate VIP access, " reads the "About" section at FameDaddy.com. "This soon-to-launch service will boast a top-flight client list of celebrity donors from the world of sport, entertainment and finance."

Potential baby daddies include an Oscar-winning actor and a multi-platinum rock star. You'll never know exactly who the sperm came from and the celebrity will forever be off the hook financially.

Yeah, right. Let's say Daniel Craig signed up to provide this secret service. Faster than you can say "Skyfall" he'd find himself discovered and forced to fork over his 007 fortune.

Maybe that's why the Daily Telegraph reports no such celebrity has signed up yet to be a Fame Daddy donor.

UPDATE: Take heart! Maybe the world is not ending! The BBC reports the celebrity sperm bank was an elaborate hoax. Or maybe Daniel Craig turned them down and they needed to save face...

DUMBER TO DUMBEST

Apparently Justin Bieber will sign up for just about anything.

Even duct tape.

"Justin Bieber Duck Tape" has hit the market in time for the pop star's new world tour in a deal with Bravado music merchandising. "The tape is sure to be a number one hit with 'Beliebers' everywhere, " the press release said. Someone posted a video of the product she claims she found at Target.

Who would buy this? How many women even buy duct tape?

Well, maybe those who've read "50 Shades of Grey" and want to find some sort of Bieber ... binder ... for the bedroom. (Read More: Fifty Shames of Earl Grey: The Fifty Shades Parody .)

In a world where women read books about being bound and then buy duct tape branded by a boyish pop star, a world where celebrities who don't lack for money or women are encouraged to become anonymous fathers, where we complain about the lack of Google Maps on a device we later flush down the toilet...

The Mayans were right.

—By CNBC's Jane Wells
@janewells

Questions? Comments? Funny Stories? Email funnybusiness@cnbc.com

  • Based in Los Angeles, Jane Wells is a CNBC business news reporter and also writes the Funny Business blog for CNBC.com.

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