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Petraeus: The Movie

I accidentally deleted every email in my inbox yesterday, and then I accidentally deleted the delete file. I suffered a bit of a panic. I prepared to call IT in a desperate move to retrieve all those messages.

Getty Images

Then I changed my mind.

Email only gets you in trouble. So do photos. Fortunately, the only pictures I have of shirtless males are my son when he was a baby. At least I think those are the only photos I have...

The David Petraeus-Paula Broadwell affair proves my point. When it comes to doing something you're not supposed to do, don't put it in an email or send a photo. This is a scandal that keeps on giving.(Read More: Petraeus Resigns; Biographer Identified as Mistress.)

On Monday, we discovered Jill Kelley, the Tampa socialite who emerged from her home like a well-styled Real Housewife and took off in her Mercedes. An FBI agent took his shirt off for her.

Monday night, agents raided Paula Broadwell's home in North Carolina like it was some sort of terrorist safe house. Overnight news broke that General John Allen allegedly sent Jill Kelley (who has a twin sister) tens of thousands of messages. Tens of thousands. (Read More: Top US General in Afghanistan Probed for Emails to Woman.)

It's like...a movie.

Which is what it will end up being.

Let's begin the casting call process. I've received several great suggestions from Twitter.

The hardest person for me to cast has been Holly Petraeus, because she's been through a lot and deserves some kindness. Yes, Kathy Bates is the natural choice, but I've decided revenge is a dish best served hot hot hot, so my casting selections favor Holly with some of the most beautiful women and talented in cinema.

I've examined several genres and cast appropriately.

The Oscar-winning cast

Gen. Petraeus—Al Pacino
Paula Broadwell—Hilary Swank
Holly Petraeus—Meryl Streep
Jill Kelley—Marion Cotillard
Gen. John Allen—Chris Cooper
Shirtless FBI Agent—Ryan Gosling
Defense Secretary Leon Panetta—Robert DeNiro
President Barack Obama—Denzel Washington

The comedy

Gen. Petraeus—Charlie Sheen
Paula Broadwell—Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Holly Petraeus—Megan Fox
Jill Kelley—Sofia Vergara
Gen. John Allen—Will Ferrell
Shirtless FBI Agent—Elmo
Defense Secretary Panetta—Fred Armisen
President Obama—Chris Rock

"24" meets "Homeland"

Gen. Petraeus—Damian Lewis
Paula Broadwell—Claire Danes (who's secretly trying to blow the lid off a spy ring in Tampa)
Holly Petraeus—Elisha Cuthbert
Jill Kelley—Mary Lynn Rajskub
Gen. John Allen—Kiefer Sutherland (who's secretly trying to blow the lid off a spy ring in Tampa)
Shirtless FBI Agent—Channing Tatum (just because)
Defense Secretary Panetta—Mandy Patinkin
President Obama—Dennis Haysbert ("You're in good hands with President Palmer")

The art house film

Gen. Petraeus—Daniel Day-Lewis
Paula Broadwell—Marisa Tomei
Holly Petraeus—Nicole Kidman
Jill Kelley—Olivia Munn
Gen. John Allen—Tilda Swinton
Shirtless FBI Agent—Isaiah Mustafa
Defense Secretary Panetta—Richard Gere
President Obama—Samuel L. Jackson

Life imitating art

Gen. Petraeus—Brad Pitt
Paula Broadwell—Angelina Jolie
Holly Petraeus—Jennifer Aniston

The "Fatal Attraction" remake

Gen. Petraeus—Michael Douglas
Paula Broadwell—Glenn Close
Holly Petraeus—Anne Archer
Jill Kelley—The rabbit which ends up in the pot

Thanks to much help from Twitter, including: @AndrewEagan, @priv8is, @ShirtlessFBIGuy, @markaross, @lowensteiner, @tzsawyer, @sportszone11, @bmain249, @lockeonstocks.

—By CNBC's Jane Wells
@janewells

Questions? Comments? Funny Stories? Email funnybusiness@cnbc.com

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  • Based in Los Angeles, Jane Wells is a CNBC business news reporter and also writes the Funny Business blog for CNBC.com.

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