Funny Business with Jane Wells

The Prom Business Has Legs (And The Contest Continues)



Jovani Prom Dress

As the mother of a couple of high school students (gag me), the prom has turned into a major annual expenditure. By some estimates, Americans spend about $4 billion a year on the event—dresses, tux rentals, flowers, limos, tickets. All for something we all desperately want to attend, believing it will be the highlight of our youth, though it usually turns out to be … just OK. But commerce marches on! This year, Wireless Flash News says the hottest new trend in EXPENSIVE DRESSES YOU ONLY WEAR ONCE: shorter dresses with high leg slits, like those on ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars.” The site quotes an expert for real shopping site) named Joanna Stoner (yes, that is her name), who says, “We used to see girls stand in front of a mirror when they tried on a dress. Now they move around to see if they can dance in the outfit.”

The mock news website , has a faux article about the newest thrill ride at Disney World, the “Whirly Merger,” which “promises all the excitement of the 1996 merger between the Walt Disney Company and Capital Cities/ABC.” Riders strapped in plush chairs to boardroom tables experience things like an 80-foot plunge at the “Due Diligence Drop,” and later “spin down the seemingly endless ‘Paper Trail.’” The “article” says the ride is getting rave reviews from young riders. “’I loved the part where they were integrating the databases,’ 9-year-old Pattie Dahm said.”

Bravo’s ”The Real Housewives of Orange County,” took place in the enclave of Coto de Caza, a

The Real Housewives of Orange County

high-end gated community of 14,000 people. Coto de Caza is about as “real” as Malibu, or Mars. Now a man has filed applications to trademark the name of that community, along with other ritzy towns in the area. According to The Orange County Register, Joseph Lewis Aguirre has filed trademark applications for 15 communities to give himself exclusive rights to use their names in marketing clothing or other products. He’s already told one local homeowners association it can no longer call itself by the name of the town in which it lives! He’s been nicknamed “The Real Jerk of the Neighborhood.” Heh. Heh. Joke.

I hope you didn’t buy a commemorative T-shirt when West Virginia won the NIT tournament. “West Virginia” is missing its last ‘i,’ making it “West Virgina.” Though, maybe like stamps, that makes them worth MORE. Especially since the team wore the misspelled shirts after its victree.

On Friday I began the Funny Business Inscrutable Press Release Contest:

Please read the following press release, and whoever comes up with the best explanation of what the heck it means will get a CNBC t-shirt or a hat or whatever I can dig up out of a drawer around here. And I'll post your winning explanation. Here it is:

RALEIGH, N.C., March 29 /PRNewswire/ -- Qualyst, Inc., a leader in the development and marketing of novel and proprietary absorption, distribution, metabolism, excretion and toxicology (ADMET) technologies, today announced that orders are now being accepted for B-CLEAR(R) Kits using rat hepatocytes.

B-CLEAR(R) is a proprietary, patented system that provides for the in vitro assessment and in vivo prediction of hepatobiliary disposition, hepatic uptake, hepatic accumulation, biliary clearance and drug transport.

Remember, contestants win a CBNC T-shirt or something. Send your ideas to  Here are our first two contestants - enjoy!

Contestant #1:
It seems to me that they produce a product, illegal in some areas, that masks the fact that the user has consumed banned substances. Especially useful for job applicants, truck drivers, or anyone on probation....I wear size L, in T-shirts.... Am I clear?? Frank, Wisconsin

Contestant #2:
Jane - Clearly, B-CLEAR is a product targeted for expectant mothers. Prior to implantation, an embryo can be tested for the tendency to develop hepatitis. During pregnancy, the fetus can be tested for hepatitis. Always good to know, or is this a solution ... without a problem? Fight On! William

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