Funny Business with Jane Wells

Apple iPhone: i'Ve hAd iT wIth iFrenzy!!

Thankfully, sometime in the next couple of days, the first Apple   iPhone will be sold and the 290 million Americans not buying one can go back to their normal, boring lives. Look, the thing looks absolutely iFabulous, but can it clean my bathrooms? No. Next!

A firm called M:Metrics says it's been trying to gauge actual, honest-to-goodness-minus-the-media-hype interest in the device, and has found:
19 million mobile users rated their interest in buying an iPhone on a scale of one to 10. Average: 7.
Two-thirds of those interested are not currently AT&T users. In fact, 12% of T-Mobile users surveyed are interested in switching.

M:Metric also jokingly describes symptoms of this new iPhrenzy epidemic:
+Insatiable desire for all information pertaining to the iPhone
+Compulsive scouring of blogs and other non-traditional media for the latest rumor
+Detectable rise in blood pressure when the words "apple" "iPhone" or "touch screen" are heard.

Did you hear that a Delta flight from New York to North Carolina had to make an emergency landing in Philadelphia Tuesdaynight, forcing all the passengers to spend the night there? Here's why: a 4-year-old on board threw a tantrum when the flight attendant didn't bring apple juice quickly enough. That must have been some tantrum. No charges will be filed, but it got me thinking about kids these days. If you haven't seen the latest Will Ferrell v. toddler video on, "Good Cop, Baby Cop,"

UCLA (a publicly funded university) reportedly hosted a "Whore College" seminar on campus last month, put on by sex workers teaching "best practices." It was free to UCLA students, though others could come by for $25. The event was put on by the "Sex Workers Outreach Program" (SWOP), and promised that after six hours, "each graduate will be armed...with knowledge on how to tailor their services, research or thinking to a paradigm that acknowledges the human, civil and labor rights of workers in the sex industry..." Leading the discussion, Carol Leigh, aka Scarlot Harlot. Next month in San Francisco, the organization is offering a "Johns School," charging a "sliding scale" of $20-$100 to teach things like etiquette. Graduates get to go on a field trip.

You may not know what happened, but Funny Business reader Neil Siskind does! Clearly a man with too much time on his hands, he has written a thesis detailing the OBVIOUS signs, including:

Paulie dies because he relunctantly accepts a job from Tony which he feels will be the end of him. And as he says, "yes," the creepy death-cat who stares at Christopher's photo walks into the scene.

Silvio dies as well. How could you not see it? The "Get Well Soon" balloons in the background are deflated. His hair is longer, his wife is filing his toenails. "So folks- let me ask- when a person dies, what continues to grow?" Siskind asks. "You got it....their hair and their nails."

He then ticks off 20 signs that Tony himself is offed, including:

1) "Tony visits Carmela in the safe house. She tells him that she and Meadow smell a toxic smell in the air (thematic). This is the smell of death enveloping them."

2) "Later, Tony stands in his yard looking up at the Carmela tells him of their dinner plans." (his appointment with death).

3) in the final scene at the restaurant, "sitting behind him is a couple of cub scouts-like the ones in the train store when Bobby was hit (creepy)."

4) AJ gives his father a beautiful goodbye. "You taught me to remember the good stuff."

Siskind writes, "While David Chase did not spoon-feed us a simple ending tied up in a pretty bow, he provided us a virtual roadmap to the fate of every single character on the show. What I can't understand is why I am the only person that can read the map." INDEED!

By the way, once again, congratulations to the winner of the CNBC mug for suggesting Paris Hilton rebrand herself by walking around with the iPhone: Phil Schwartz of, I got the company name in...)

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