Funny Business with Jane Wells

Spam Scams: A "Boisterously Thine" Response

Have you been the lucky recipient of one of those overseas emails seeking "help" in locating some missing millions or "advice" in investing a bazillion dollar windfall? The writer is always looking for a nice, honest American--like me. They clog my inbox at work no matter how many filters I put up. Now someone is writing back. Tony Phillips is doing via email what some of us used to do on the phone in the pre-"do not call" days--talk a telemarketer to death in a fiendishly circular conversation.

Phillips blogs in San Diego, where he posted an email he recently received. He followed it with a copy of his reply, written in the same strangled English. Here's the first email:

From: Mr.Steven Sono
United kingdom

Hello Dear,

I am Mr.Steven Sono from sierra leone but residing in U.k London . It is my desire to contact you on honesty and sincerity to assist me in transferring the sum of $8,000,000(Eight Million United States Dollars) inherited from my father late Mr. Williams Sono to your country for investment. I am motivated in contacting you and hope to gradually build trust, relationship and confidence in you as I get to know you better.

So please I want to know if you will be of assistance but first I want to get to know you better. I am willing to offer you $1,600,000(One Million Six Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) for your effort input after the successful transfer of this money and investment. Indicate your interest towards assisting me by sending your phone and address so that I can communicate with you at any time. I will be waiting for your response.

Thanks for your understanding,

Best regards,

Mr.Steven Sono

Phillips responded with this email:

From: Gustaf, Carl XVI
13 ????enplœ? Platz
The Arctic
Very Dearest Sono of Stevenwilliamson,

For long and winding road have I gallivanted penniless to pursuing of such diversions of interestses as are a man's to find with cunning linguistics but for to be being of now middle life ages and wishing of receipt of $One and 6 hundred Thousand of Dollars $United States$ ($1.6 million US).

Blackened am I of heart from learning for pain of the passaging of your sire, Mr. Late Sono, and reminding in reversage also of the wonder of Steven for whom there is a ribbon in the sky and by whose blessing you are the sunshine of my life.

I am first of not original origin States United American. I am coming of most directly Russias and of natality, from vaginal birth of Sverige. Speaking am I in tongues of gluttons quite comfortably also am still I as are you for to write with me of correspondence and in most elegant syntax.

To me is your current positionings well learnt for in London art there not the growls of leopards, nor yet the scourge of pandemic and lopping off of hands.

Please with duest haste and leaping of duodenum redact in backward me this missive for sharing of what other matters might dearest friends and swindlers confide for forming of more perfect union, to ordain and establish this schoolhouse rock for the United States of America and to transferring of pillage yours to clutch purse mine imaginary fundings.

Boisterously thine,

Carl XVI Gustaf

Phillips says he will wait for a reply, and if he gets one, he will reply back, and keep this up as long as possible. I'll keep you posted.

Meantime, Phillips is also capitalizing on a voter base of 12 million that is being TOTALLY ignored by the big money politicians: World of Warcraft, the world's most popular online videogame, made by Vivendi's Blizzard Entertainment. Phillips has created a character from the Horde (the bad guys in the game), named him Theodoric, and started a campaign.

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