Funny Business with Jane Wells

The Perfect Contest: America's Ugliest Office


I have found it. The perfect contest for the miserable office worker. Acco Brands is sponsoring America’s Ugliest Office. Enter at and you have a shot at either a 42” HDTV, or a TRIP TO HAWAII. Talk about bringing hope to the downtrodden! One mock-up of an ugly office has the chair doubling as a toilet, so you never have to leave. Nice. The contest runs through Nov. 30, and, so far, Jerry’s home office in Columbus gets my vote. It may be small, but it's ugly.

By the way, what is Acco Brands? Why, it’s the company behind WilsonJones, “the creator of the three-ring binder,” along with Swingline staplers, the pre-BlackBerry DayTimer (I think Guy Adami still uses one of those), and even LAMINATORS. These people are the reason your office is ugly. Isn’t it obvious? Speaking of obvious…

From Indiana University: men choose a mate based on looks, women choose a mate based on security. DUH. This research was actually based on a speed-dating session in Germany. We had to go to Germany for this? I suspect it was an excuse to time the “research” with Oktoberfest. Your grant money dollars at work.

Fake Jane photo composite

How crazy is this world? Fake Jane is now getting her own reader email. Which, by the way, thrills her to no end. After she complained Friday that all the other women at CNBC are more famous than she is, you wrote back!

From Martin E:
Dear Fake Jane,
The easiest and fastest way to get your review is to pick a fight with one of “those girls on CNBC”. Think Rosie and Trump! Fake Jane v that Olick girl on the east coast. Surely you can take her. East coast vs West coast, the new suburban gangsta rivalry.

Real Jane responds: Well, I’ve already done everything I can to steal Diana’s real estate beat. Perhaps challenging her to a Fake Jane smackdown isn’t that much of a leap… except she throws a mean left hook. She could hurt me.

From GC:
Us older viewers like the complete natural reporter that you are. Just have a shot of metamusel and chill. You'll be having a good time lliving the high life with your 401k savings and 'the girls' will still be paying off their plastic surgery and stylists. The final point: With your voice there is always a second career in radio.

Gee, GC…thanks! I feel much better now.

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