Funny Business with Jane Wells

On Wisconsin! (Oh Boy, Dr. Laura Really Hates Me Now)

Cranberry bog

Today I'm flying to Wisconsin, where Friday you will see me standing knee deep in a flooded cranberry bog. How cool is that? CNBC has been berry berry good to Jane. I will be covering the business of berries--how cranberry juice outperforms apple juice, sales of dried cranberries (Craisins) are growing faster than juice, and blueberries are so "in" that even insurance companies are diversifying their portfolios by investing in them.

You know you've been on the road too much when your teenage son, who generally loathes your presence, says, "Mom, when are you going to be

home?" Ouch! Dr. Laura just clocked me!

Kids, I promise to throttle back on the travel. Just as soon as the Fox Business Channel launches and we've annihilated it.


Fake Jane photo composite

Calm down, Real Jane. Don't go...Craisin (heh heh). Like your plane-hopping is going to single-handedly bring Fox to its knees. Get over yourself. And, knowing you, your kids already have enough baggage to help some therapist buy a Maybach.

If you want to be useful, help idiots like me understand what Rick Santelli and Steve Liesman are talking about when they yell at each other. Phrases like "inverted yield curve" give me the kind of headache usually reserved for a 3-Cosmopolitan brunch. And what do they mean whey they say "Cyborg," or "Liborg" or whatever it is? Is a Liborg what Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are building a bunker to keep out? (Disclaimer--Fake Jane has no idea whether any such bunker is "in the works," but she'd love to be invited in if aliens do attack).

My friend, Cherie P., has created a new word, and she explains how to use it in a future sentence: ACTORVIST (noun): an actor-turned-activist. "Angelina Joliepitt confirmed today she will adopt her 23rd baby. The actorvist is credited with revitalizing the economies of tiny third-world countries which cultivate her diverse offspring."

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