Funny Business with Jane Wells

Funny Money, Dirty Diaper Wars, and Fake Jane's Earnings Forecast


Manager Needed at Checkstand Five

A man walked into a Giant Eagle supermarket in Pittsburgh Saturday and allegedly tried to change a $1 million bill. The clerk became "suspicious" (really? why is that?), and turned the bill over to the manager. The man with the mill bill got angry and then got arrested. He reportedly had no identification on him. I suspect he was just another disgraced CEO on the run, and that bill was no fake!

Well, it was fake. They don't make bills worth more than $100 anymore for circulation. The fake bill bore the image of President Grover Cleveland (quite the ladies man back in the day..."Ma, Ma, where's my Pa? Gone to the White House, ha ha ha!"). Looks like the bill may have originated from a Dallas church group which got into some hot water last year for sending out religious pamphlets bearing the Cleveland bill.

Here's what was missing from the story: whether the supermarket clerk had the change.

Dirty Diaper Wars

The diaper business isn't for babies. Ad Agereports that Procter & Gamble , which makes Pampers and Luvs, claims Huggies' maker Kimberly-Clark is playing dirty in the diaper biz. P&G says Huggies ads lie! Those ads claim Huggies are shaped like an hourglass, while Pampers and Luvs are rectangular. Not true, says P&G, and it is seeking a restraining order (not the disposable kind):

"In all of these advertisements, (Kimberly Clark) has placed a brick directly over the core of the Pampers diaper, obscuring the midsection of the core that has the hourglass shape."

A brick in the diaper. Heh heh.

Check out the ad yourself here.

Fake Jane Reflects on Earnings

Go no further for your earnings forecast. Here's the deal: earnings this quarter are going to be better or worse than last quarter. They will also be better or worse than a year ago. Homebuilders will have a tough quarter. Apple will surprise again.

Future guidance will either be raised, lowered, or reaffirmed. In some cases there will be no future guidance. The results will reflect a slowing economy or unexpected resilience. White men in gray suits will loudly debate this. The market will react as it sees fit regardless of what the white men say. It will all "Keep America Great."

Well, there you have it. Time to move on to more important topics. Shouldn't we leave poor Britney Spears alone before she hurts herself?

Comments? Funny Stories? Email