Self-proclaimed party animal Clay Cooley has created an item which will revolutionize the adult beverage industry. Cooley has developed the FIX strip, which is allegedly the ultimate hangover cure. You put the strip in between your cheek and gum, just like chewing tobacco, and it immediately sends into your system B vitamins and electrolytes, elements which Cooley claims vanish during heavy drinking “like David Blaine at tax time.” Hey, that’s funny...
But wouldn’t taking B vitamins and drinking Gatorade accomplish the same thing? Cooley claims the elements are absorbed more quickly putting the strip inside your cheek. He hopes to sell FIX strips at bars and convenience stores. The press release tells you, “Clay is a character, but has it going on.” And this entrepreneur’s next goal “is to figure out a way to deliver the alcohol on a strip…knowing Clay he might actually figure it out.” Please, Clay, don't strip and drive.
YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK
From the FDA--Advice on Safe Sources of Puffer Fish:
“Many puffer fish, also known as fugu, bok, blowfish, globefish, swellfish, balloonfish, or sea squab, contain deadly toxins that affect the central nervous system, if consumed.”
The feds say you can only be sure your fugu is safe if it comes from mid-Atlantic waters, or is prepared by certified cutters in the city of Shimonoseki, Japan. You are urged to ask where the puffer fish came from, because you can rest assured the restaurant which bought it off some schmo at the dock is going to tell you the truth… “Did that swellfish come from Shimonoseki?” “Why, yes, it did!”
Okay, so after you eat the Puffer fish, and your lips explode, you may want plastic surgery. But wait! Don’t be… rash (heh heh). A press release for a Chicago plastic surgeon says that “The Medical Council” is instituting a new rule that patients seeking cosmetic surgery have a seven-day “cooling off period.” This is so one has time to consider one really needs that tummy tuck or lipo (uh, yes, you do).
But the point is to give the decision the same sort of thoughtfulness that goes into buying a gun. Though, believe me, getting enhanced costs a lot more than buying a Glock. But would a cooling off period have stopped Michael Jackson from removing his face? No. Would it stop Fake Jane? Never…she would have performed this fall’s eye lift surgery on herself rather than wait…one…more…day. More importantly, has anyone ever heard of "The Medical Council?" I couldn’t find one in this country. A mandated cooling off period? Nothing beyond the press release.
MEANTIME, BEST PRESS RELEASE TITLE OF THE WEEK
“Microcaptivations: Innuity-On-Demand Technology for Small Businesses”
Who WOULDN’T want to read on?
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