Funny Business with Jane Wells

New Study: Rats In Polyester Pants Have Less Sex--Say What??

Rat Doctor

Remember the ancient Egyptians? They built the pyramids, perfected arithmetic, developed superior medical skills. That was then.

Now, according to Discover Magazine, a wealthy Egyptian hospital owner--who claims he was once nominated for a Nobel Prize--is spending his time pondering the effects of polyester on sex. To find the answer, Dr. Ahmed Shafik dressed up 75 rats in polyester pantsuits.

Whatever he’s got in his hookah has GOT to be powerful stuff.

The report comes from the new book “Bonk,” by Mary Roach, which uncovers all kinds of weird scientific-sexual investigations.

Roach writes: “Shafik found that over time the (rats) dressed in polyester or poly-cotton blend had sex significantly less often than the rats whose slacks were cotton or wool.”

Ok, call me silly, how does a rat have sex wearing pants? Any pants? How. Does. The. Rat. Get. The. Pants. Off. I mean, I really do give a rat’s a** about this.

Meantime, no word on whether the polyester slacks were also lime green. This could have definitely been a factor. But Dr. Shafik thinks the rats who didn’t score were the victims of the fabric itself, because polyester “sets up troublesome electrostatic fields in and around the genitals.” THIS FROM THE BIRTHPLACE OF RAMSES, MOSES, TUTANKHAMUN, CLEOPATRA! I know, I know, Moses was not Egyptian, but he was born there and he spent all that time with Yul Brynner.

At least Dr. Shafik apparently spent his own money on this paradigm-shifting research. Here in the U.S., generous taxpayer grants would have footed the bill.

Thanks to reader Kayla for alerting me to this breaking news. She writes: “I wonder if they (the rats) had little shirts with ink-stained pocket protectors and eyeglasses…Hopefully he'll sell some of the 75 pairs of pants on eBay. Wouldn't they be fun to display in a shadowbox and explain to your date?”

Kayla, we obviously have different ideas of what would be fun on a date.

But the only thing that makes business sense in this entire episode is Kayla’s suggestion to sell the rat pants on eBay. Just as we learned people are willing to pay for Britney Spears’ trash (see yesterday’s post in links above), there must be someone out there willing to pay for 75 pairs of used rat pants. To display in a shadowbox.

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