Funny Business with Jane Wells

Meet "Fake" Jim Cramer

Fake Jim Cramer

As you know, I've found real fun in a fake persona. I mean, I'm from LA, everything's fake. So I've started a contest for the best "fake" blog based on an invented, twisted version of a real person in the world of business. I hope to post the best entries and have you, dear readers, eventually pick a winner.

I have my first contestant!

Jeff Jacobs from Columbus, Ohio, has submitted the "Not Mad Money" post from "Fake Jim Cramer." Real Jim Cramer's response? "COOL!"

Not Mad Money

Not Mad Mail: AIG, Miley Cyrus, Uptick Rule, Erin Burnett, and Allergan

posted by: Fake Jim Cramer

14 May 2008

Hi Jim: Booyah! Should I be really worried about AIG? - Larry

Hi Jim: Booyah! AIG - should I get my money out of there? Not another Bear Stearns? - Henry

Cramer says: "No! No! No! AIG is…wait a minute, are you talking about AIG the stock or AIG the insurer? And enough darn Bear Stearns crap already! How many times must I explain myself? Better yet, sell AIG and just buy Allergan at $52."

Hi Jim: Booyah! How will Disney be affected by the Miley Cyrus scandal!? I am so concerned for my daughter, yet I must make sure my family's retirement planning also won't be damaged. And that recent green bra incident too, I mean, what's with American kids these days? An outrage!!! - Michael

Cramer says: "Hold Disney and buy Limited Brands - Victoria Secret's Pink is the new Green. Buy Allergan too. Your daughter will survive; I'm more concerned about you."

Hi Jim: Booyah! We're proud to be Cramericans, love ya! Sorry if covered before, but you always talk about the "Cramer Effect" and the "uptick rule." What exactly are those? - Silda and Elliot

Cramer says: "Any time I mention a stock, such as Allergan, it goes up and when I say that Ben Bernanke 'has no idea', all stocks go down. This is the Cramer Effect and it lasts three days. For the uptick rule, in short selling you need to borrow the stock you want to short. However, because of the Cramer Effect, all stocks mentioned go up for three days. Therefore, if you're going to make money off short selling, you must wait at least three days or else you will lose your…shirt."

Hi Jim: Boo on ya! Easy on Erin Burnett, okay? Last year you stared into her chest on the air - the YouTube video has 112,000 hits - and you keep spitting on her. - Mark

Cramer says: "That explains the number of hits. 60,000 attempts and I still can't get it to load. I sent Erin a case of Purell for her birthday. Remember to buy Allergan at $52."

Hi Jim: Booyahbase! Do you still love Allergan as your fave pharma? Also, like, any good military picks still in play? - Jane

Cramer says: "I love bouillabaisse. Buy Allergan at $52 and cover both sectors. Botulism toxin - Botox - can be a biological agent and they also produce weapons of mass décolletage. Mommy makeovers, not war!"

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