Funny Business with Jane Wells

Ron Burgundy Teams Up With Fake Tanker Team


As you know, in honor of Fake Jane, I'm holding a contest for best fake blog from a fake person--we've had Fake Jim Cramer and Fake Lloyd Blankfein.One reader is currently working on Fake Angelo Mozilo.

Now, someone has submitted "TAnchorman," as in "Tanker man," a blog spoofing Will Ferrell's Ron Burgundy character teaming up with Fake Ron Sugar (parodying the Northrop Grumman CEO), along with Fake Allan McArtor and Fake Ralph Crosby (parodying the Chairmen of Airbus and EADS North America).

The blog speculates the four were involved in a rumble over the tanker contract (in a Northrop-Boeing rumble, who are the Jets and who are the Sharks? Jets, heh, heh, get it?)

Here's TAnchorman's website.

He is clearly a Boeing fan, but the spoof is proof the tanker controversy is reaching bizarre dimensions.

So here's his fake blog--REMEMBER, PEOPLE, THIS IS A PARODY.

Many have continued to speculate if there was a specific incident that lead to Vice Chief of Staff of the Air Force, Gen. Duncan McNabb, conducting a joint meeting with the CEO's of Boeing and Northrop Grumman last month.

There had been talk that it was the result of a scuffle that took place behind Tortilla Coast just prior to a tanker hearing on Capitol Hill. But until now, the News Team 4 has not been able to verify TAnchorman's first hand accounts of the event.

Today, though, a professional staff member on the House Armed Service Committee was able to release to us the following transcript of a post-fight conversation that was picked up on their microphone right before a hearing:

Ron Burgundy: I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself thrust into the middle of vicious cockfight.

Fake Ron Sugar: Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast!

Fake Allan McArtor: It jumped up a notch!

Ron Burgundy: It did, didn't it?

Fake Ralph Crosby: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart!

Ron Burgundy: I saw that! Ralphy Boy killed a guy! Did you throw a trident?

Fake Ralph Crosby: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident!

Ron Burgundy: Ralph, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should probably find yourself a safehouse or a distant relative. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.

Fake Allan McArtor: You got friends in France right?

Fake Ron Sugar: I'm not sure that's a good idea. Remember, Ralph is kind of implicated in France on a massive insider trading scandal. It's sort of a big deal.

Ron Burgundy: How about Mobile?

Fake Allan McArtor: Ah yes, beautiful Mobile, discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it Mobile, which of course in German means "lovely toe".

Ron Burgundy: No, there's no way that's correct.

Fake Allan McArtor: I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.

Fake Ron Sugar: Doesn't it come from the Muskhogean Native American people who had built a fortified town they called "Maubila" from which the name Mobile was later derived?

Fake Allan McArtor: No. No. That's not it at all.

Ron Burgundy: No, I think Dr. Sugar is right, that's what it means. Really.

Fake Allan McArtor: Agree to disagree.

Fake Ralph Crosby: Mmm, I just burnt my tongue.

Fake Ron Sugar: Damn it, Burgundy, I told you to keep lighters away from Ralph.

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