Funny Business with Jane Wells

Keep Money In Mattress, But Take It With You


No update on that poor Israeli woman who surprised her mom with a new mattress, throwing the old one away, only to discover too late that the old "lumpy" mattress was stuffed with $1 million mom had been saving. Last word was that the daughter was scouring all the landfills around Tel Aviv. So was everyone else.

A lot of people over the last six months have been putting money in mattresses. The problem is that mattresses can catch fire, or you might not be able to get the cash when you need it, or your kids may throw them away. Better to take your mattress with you.

Now you can!

In today's installment of "Why Didn't I Think of That?", a company in Seattle has just launched "The Mattress Wallet".

Mattress Wallet

The wallet "provides savvy investors with a secure and comfortable place to put their money".

It's the same size as a regular wallet, but comes with "the ubiquitous warning tag that should not be removed under penalty of law."

Someone please explain to me what that tag is all about.

Oh, wait, I found an explanation.

The Mattress Wallet Strategy

The marketing wizards behind The Mattress Wallet ($19.95) have included charts comparing the performance of their wallet against major indices:

The Mattress Wallet v. The Stock Market, The Mattress Wallet vs. Traditional Ponzi Scheme, and The Mattress Wallet vs. Tortillas.

"Endorsements" come from people like "Financial Visionary Bernie Madoff", who says "Sure, in retrospect The Mattress Wallet was the superior choice.

I have to go now.

Visitation is almost up."

Just don't try sleeping on it. My back is killing me this morning.

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