Funny Business with Jane Wells

Forget H1N1, We've Got A Cankle Epidemic


I know there are big problems out there. Iran. North Korea. Myanmar. Darfur. But I can only think, hope, and pray, on these tragedies.

Then I have to lighten the mood a bit.

In that vein, I’m pleased to announce that Gold’s Gym has, with a straight face, declared July “Cankle Awareness Month”. What is a cankle? It’s when your calf morphs into your ankle. It’s not a good look. Gold’s calls it a “growing epidemic”, and wants you to come in and sign up for help. It’s also offering free tips online.

According to the website, “Cankles are the fastest growing ‘aesthetic affliction’ in the United States… even ahead of other bathing suit killers like Muffin Tops, Saddle Bags and Moobs.” Moobs? Does that stand for man boobs? TMI. “In fact, it is estimated that if current trends continue, by the year 2012 Cankles will surpass Love Handles as the number one aesthetic affliction in the world.” Oh really? One would suspect that the person with cankles already has love handles, I mean Love Handles. These “afflictions” have apparently become so serious they deserve capitalization.

Gold’s suggests cankle-busting exercises like…walking! And there are style ideas! Avoid shoes with ankle straps, choosing wedges and platform sandals to make the leg look longer and leaner. “At the gym, wear bright sneakers to draw attention away from the ankle.”

Bottom line, we’ve got a global pandemic brewing with this cankle thing. If we don’t come up with a cure now, it could lead to much bigger problems, like an international explosion of bunions. I mean, Bunions.

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