There Must Be A Pony In Here Somewhere

God Save the Queen!

Oh my, how ghastly!

Shocking news out of Britain today: Queen Elizabeth could run out of money by 2012unless the government steps in and gives her a raise!

Queen Elizabeth

(A convenient headline, given that negotiations over how much the government pays to keep the monarchy humming are set to reopen next year.)

Just one teensy problem: While the Queen was busy stomping her royal foot, Britain's economy was plunging at the fastest rate in 50 years.

And British taxpayers are already aggravated with how much the Royal family is spending of their hard-earned money during a recession. So, it’s possible her request for an increase in her allowance will be met with a slap on her gloved wrist.

But don’t worry, Queenie! I’ve got some ideas for how you can set an example for your subjects by going back to work — and make enough money to supplement your velvet-cape habit:

Start a Video Blog. Pick a nice gold-trimmed closet at Buckingham Palace and set up a video camera. You could give tips on etiquette. Or, since your spokesman says you’re thrifty, tips on saving money. Or, just riff about whoever or whatever’s annoying you that day. It’ll be like Rosie's blog, only classier. You’ll get tons of advertising and wonder why you never did this before.

Host a Reality Show. You could follow Paris Hilton’s lead and do a show called “The Queen’s New BFF.” Of course, you wouldn’t even consider befriending whatever oafish creature made it through to the end, but, oh, wouldn’t your adoring public find it just so quaint that you not only knew what a BFF was, but were willing to mingle so freely with commoners? Or, you could host a season of VH1’s “Charm School,” where you could impart some of your Queenly manners on ladies of a, how shall we say, less desirable character? It would be great service to society and, if I do say, quite lucrative in the ratings.

With the King of Infomercials, Billy Mays, dead, the world is desperately in need of product-endorsement royalty! Why not step in to fill that void, and become the spokesqueen for Mighty Putty, Oxyclean and the Awesome Auger?! The possibilities are endless: You could do gem segments on QVC, host an HGTV show called “Gardening With the Queen.” Imagine what a queen’s endorsement could do for a product and the economy — not to mention your own little gem-encrusted purse!

Put Out a Queen's Gone Wild Tape. This is probably the most daft idea, but the one that would provide the most bang for your buck — er, pow for your pound! All you have to is invite Justin Timberlake to England and take him out to a pub, where you proceed to get totally hammered. Demand that he hoist you onto the bar and start dancing suggestively.Stick your gloved finger in the air and declare that you, the Queen of England, are “bringing sexy back to England!” Have someone secretly tape and distribute it, while you, of course, publicly deny it. It will feel good to let your royal coif down and to have a boy toy for the evening. You might enjoy it so much, you’ll do a sequel!

Everybody, all together now:

God save our gracious Queen,
Long live our noble Queen,
God save the Queen:
Send her victorious,
Happy and glorious,
Long to reign over us:
God save the Queen!

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