Funny Business with Jane Wells

Who Needs the S&P? Your Market Indicator Ideas


This week's blog on the Hot Waitress Indexis one of my hottest blogs ever! Several readers weighed in with other indices to watch


: "I have always shopped at Walmart because of the great prices, and I've noticed that typically the women who shop there are not the best looking or in the best health—I'll say obese to be blunt. They typically have small budgets and are trying to make the most of their money. However, earlier this year I noticed that the women shopping at Walmart have gotten hotter...Typically the lowest place a hot girl will shop is Target. However, with the economy in recession, they're getting tighter with their money and are now willing to shop at Walmart."

Carl A: "Another great indicator: the junk mail indicator. The lower the volume of physical junk mail (not e-mail), the weaker the economy."

Tom C: "In my retirement years I look for change on the ground as I go about my business. While I have found more than $7 in the past year, it is clearly becoming much harder to find any money. A penny a week these days is about all one can expect. I will let you know when you can expect the economy to improve and you can save all the time you guys spend talking to economists!"

Some readers want to improve on the FingerFood ring/plate:

Mike N. writes from Hawaii: "Can I put some Hawaiian salt on it and use it as a economic wedding ring? Hawaiian salt is sea salt sun dried on the lava rocks. It dries into a very large crystal. All I have to do is stick some Crazy Glue, and we are set to go."

HR: "The 'finger food' ring plate is on the right track, but some of us need something bigger. I'm thinking of wearing something like a NFL forearm blocking pad with a 12 inch dinner plate attached..."

How Snuggie Is Too Snuggie elicited this response from Dr.Warren T., who had a lot of advice for yoga instructor Mohd Abdullah which I won't go into here. But there was also this praise for the Snuggie: "I can think of no other invention in the last 100 years that so effectively allows one's bodily gasses to be harnessed and reused as a warmth recycling agent. Go planet."

Response was mixed to Madoff victim Nancy Barrie-Chivian's latest "Dear Ruthie" letter. From MarcandDana T: "I love it. Keep them coming."

But Ed T. writes: "The letter to Ruth Madoff is more NY Post than CNBC, but I guess everyone needs to move to the lowest common denominator to stay in business."

Sean D: "Allowing that letter to Madoff's wife to be published was not just. There is no confirmation that she is at fault. Further, you would never have published a letter from the working class making such crude and lewd comments about a journalist for pandering to wealth, about a banker for taking a taxpayer bailout, or about the wealthy for maintaining the wealth gap. Yet, there are many of us who feel this way about the bankers who took bailout money, the rich who keep us poor, and the journalists who defended them both for doing so."

And Jerry K. is here all week!: "Speaking of Bernie, isn't it ironic that his Butner cell is next door to that of Henry Winkler, who's serving a life sentence for carrying out Happy Days, his long-running 1970's Fonzi scheme?" (rimshot)

On last week's Call of Shame, Bob D. writes: "I agreed with Trish Regan's assessment of Electronic Arts and their shameful convention idea. It's time someone spoke out on the degradation of women in the popular media and in entertainment. What have we come to as a nation?"

Paul H. came up with his own list: "No1—Rush Limbaugh for saying the President hates white people. I remember Rush when he was doing his show here in Sacramento. He was emotionally and mentally paralyzed then, and he still is. No2—Glenn Beck for calling the President a Racist. Yeah, when I want some real insight I turn to Glenn Beck and let him do all my thinking for me. No3—Lou Dobbs for perpetuating the fantasy that the President hasn't proven that he was born in this country. His own network is putting out stories that show the President is an American citizen, but old Lou still ain't convinced. Now, I will fight for the rights of these gentleman to say what they want, but I refuse to give them a free pass when they say some of the stupidest things I've ever heard."

On my blog listing the hottest people in Congress, Daris R. writes: "Not even close to being funny."

Also not much love for my post on "signs of the times" which includes the realtor handing out cards by the side of the freeway and my 92-year-old aunt's friend's voicemail message:

John in "Sunny San Diego": "Ah, yes…another day, another story about California going down the tubes. How about an uplifting story about California? Some good news, for a change. It seems that CNBC has it in for the Golden State...It's getting old."

Akshay G: "'My 92-year-old aunt told me she called a 94-year-old friend the other day and got her voicemail: "Please leave a message. If I can find my phone, I'll call you back.' How the hell is the above line sign of recession? Are you really that dumb..."

Greg Martin from www.BananaBoxWholesaleGrocery.comsays he's seeing his own sign of the times: "We have people and churches in addition to our mom and pop grocers who are ordering half and full truckloads for their own person use. They are putting food away for a rainy day. People from coast to coast are stockpiling..."

Finally, Jeff J. took the Handerpantsidea and ran with it. He found other useful websites about unmentionables, like this videoshowing how to make a sports bra out of mens' underwear.

Another site suggests ways to recycle old bras, like "Use them to support fruit and tomatoes growing in your garden so they don't break off before ripening."

Jeff also noticed my Tweet on Twitter (You can follow me herewhenever Twitter recovers from today's attack) suggesting the next obvious product would be a "knuckle bra". "Love the uplifting knuckle bra idea… but someone else beat you to it! (sorry) Different use, although your improved version has better support."

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