Funny Business with Jane Wells

New Product May Distract Terrorists

Winkers Hipnotic Jeans
Winkers Hipnotic Jeans

I've found it. An American-made product which can defeat terrorism without firing a shot-

Winkers jeans.

The jeans, created by retired Seattle designer William Jones, "wink" at you if you're walking behind someone wearing them.

See what I mean here.

This YouTube video demonstrating how the jeans "wink" has gotten over 600,000 views this summer. You have to admit, it's mesmerizing. Or it might be if they'd picked an actual model to wear the jeans instead of, well, a normal-looking person.

My idea: put these jeans on US Troops in Afghanistan. Dumb-founded bad guys will be momentarily distracted, long enough time to take them down. Or take a bunch of South Korean hotties and line them up with their backsides facing the DMZ, then watch what happens when they walk away. Chaos! Open borders!

Yes, I know I'm trivializing serious situations and suggesting a solution which won't work, but that's the nice thing about living in a free, secure country. I can do that. Thanks to those who keep me free and secure and able to wear Winkers jeans without the threat of jail. (See Sudan: Pants).

However, even if we wanted to use these jeans as our latest weapon of mass distraction, they're not quite ready to ship. They're also way too expensive, even by military standards. On Jones' website, the cheapest pair costs $159, but the most expensive, the "Hipnotic", based on the eyes of a lion, is currently listed for $579! Roarrrr!!!


Two more controversial items.

There's renewed interest in the Men's Underwear Index, the MUI, as an indicator of consumer spending.

Researchers say men stop buying underwear in tough times, because it's the one necessity which no one really sees, unless you're in a car accident! Men tend to...stretch...out the time between purchases. "It's like trying to drive your car an extra 10,000 miles," NPD Group's Marshal Cohen told the Washington Post.

Nice image.

The article profiles 59-year-old Kenneth Sanford, who willingly discussed his underwear purchases with a major newspaper. Sanford says hasn't bought any boxers or briefs in eight months.

However, there is good news.

The decline in underwear sales is starting to slow, if only...briefly. And in the new world order, slowing bad news is good news.

Finally, several readers have insisted that I bring to your attention the latest pet product. It's "magical". See for yourself....but not while you're eating your lunch.

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