Funny Business with Jane Wells

Keeping America Great in a Crazy World

As I sat in the backyard stuffing myself with hot dogs before heading out to watch fireworks on the 4th, I thought about my ancestors. They gave up everything and gambled it all to come to America. Their hope was for a brighter future for themselves and their descendants.

Mission accomplished.

I am blessed beyond their wildest expectations. My hope is to continue their forward progress.

But not all "progress" is "forward."

Exhibit A: David Hasselhoff scored a deal with Del Monte to create the Hoffsicle. "Hoff-a-licious!" says the former Baywatch star/singer who is popular in Germany. Del Monte made the treat for National Ice Cream Week, which I missed, as it must have gotten lost in the fuss over National Foot Fungus Week and National Bad Gas Week.

"It's not weird at all," said the Hoff about people licking frozen replicas of him. "It's really cool."

On the plus side, the Hoffsicle was introduced in London, not here, proof that we're still making the British pay for taxation without representation. Still, if anyone has proven that in America you can take a licking and keep on schticking, it's David Hasselhoff.

As crazy as our ideas are here in the U.S., the UK has us beat. London artist Kevin Grennan is another reason we should celebrate our independence. His fascination with life-like robots has driven him to design a "prototype robot armpit".

Really? REALLY?? America: home of the iPad, the nuclear bomb, and the blues. Britain: home of the Hoffsicle and the prototype robot armpit. Ok, they also brought us the Beatles, the Magna Carta, Jaguar and a man named Wells who ended up in Virginia a couple hundred years ago (thank you, sir!).

However, the craziest idea to come my way so early in July isn't from the UK or the U.S. It's from Finland, a new exercise program called Horsebic, which is supposed to be like horseback riding ... without the horse. You have to watch the video. Have to.

Which leads me to one huge difference between crazy ideas hatched overseas and those born in the USA. Our ideas usually have a shot at making some actual money.

Jill Miller is trying to raise funds to launch "The Milk Truck,"  a portable facility for breast-feeding mothers who need a private space in a public setting when baby needs to eat. Seems like a long shot, but you have to love a pitch that says, "Do you like mothers? Babies? Boobs? Trucks?" Even the British could get behind that.

And the British are coming! The British are coming! Prince William and his beautiful bride are heading to California, where he will play polo in Santa Barbara this weekend.

In classic American fashion, everyone wants to cash in. Hot off the presses this morning is a news release from "World-renowned celebrity Beverly Hills plastic surgeon and polo player, Dr. Toby G. Mayer," who has been "selected" to be on hand in case the Prince gets his face bashed in by a mallet.

The release makes it sound like polo is so dangerous there's a good chance the Duchess of Cambridge will be cashing in on her hubby's life insurance policy.

Dr. Mayer recounts "the worst experience he endured," which was "giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a close personal friend who had been thrown off his horse and ultimately died due to brain injury." Thanks for bringing me down, doc! Sounds like plastic surgery wasn't much use in that case, was it?

"As the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are embarking on a new life," said Dr. Mayer in the release, "keeping Prince William healthy and looking Hollywood, camera-ready, is of the utmost importance." Just ask David Hasselhoff.

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