Funny Business with Jane Wells

Surviving a Debt-O-Nation

While we wait and hope that the end of the world is not at hand,at least not because of a debt crisis in Washington, Chris Meadows, a Funny Business reader, has written a valuable "Survival Guide During the Upcoming Apocalypse by a North Carolina Backwoods Life Long Resident."

Here is his list of do's and don'ts for getting by if you end up forced off the grid. "I promise I have tried them all," he says. ?

Part One: Food--Meat (or something that passes for it)

  • A. Hunting Game That is In Season and Legal
  • 1. Squirrel - best food source in the trees
  • a. Never eat until 3 full weeks past first Autumn Frost (parasites)
  • b. Use .22 caliber rifle rather than shotgun
  • c. Be still and they will come out and play
  • 2. Rabbits - Good but don't render gravy like squirrels
  • a. Never eat until 4 full weeks past first Autumn Frost
  • b. Can be trapped easier than shot
  • c. Can be kept until needed if fed and held securely
  • d. They run fast, you gotta be quick
  • 3. Turtle Doves - Survival rations only, taste terrible
  • a. Easily shot if near water late in the day
  • b. Difficult to clean and stink to high heaven
  • c. Can be mixed with rabbit or squirrel to hide flavor
  • d. Use vital organs for turtle bait
  • B. Hunting and Gathering out of Season
  • 1. Turtles - Most flavorful meat to roam the wilderness
  • a. Difficult to catch, trap, harvest and clean
  • b. Well worth the effort
  • c. Can't run fast
  • d. Tastes like chicken
  • 2. Opossum - Don't even think about it, go ahead and starve
  • 3. Quail - None left, the hawks have eaten them all
  • 4. Bullfrogs - Just the legs, yum, better than chicken
  • a. Harvest in early spring when they are croaking
  • b. Impossible to find after first of May
  • 5. Fish - All kinds
  • a. Catfish, found everywhere, good 3 times a day
  • b. Brim, Crappy, Bonefish, way too boney
  • c. Carp, throw them back, won’t even make bait
  • d. Shark, best food in the sea if you are near an ocean

Part Two: Food - Non-meat, edible and good for you

  • A. Lots more out there, these are my favorites even today
  • 1. Dandelions, good stuff as salad or fried in renderings
  • 2. Creasy greens, never mind, y'all don't know how to find them
  • 3. Water Lilies, in China they call them water cress
  • a. Usually grow in ponds with turtles (see B1)
  • b. Use the roots, not the leaves
  • 4. Blackberries - my favorite, pick in July
  • a. Kerosene will prevent ticks and spiders from crawling on legs
  • b. Mom fixed them with egg custard, heavenly, I would pay big bucks

Part Three: Shelter - Forget about making your own

  • A. Look for a bridge, preferably a train trestle
  • 1. Make sure it is not a dry bridge, must be over water
  • 2. Can be shared with families on the other end
  • 3. Only save and drink rain water

Part Four: Protection - Make sure you have some plus a back up in a safe place.

  • Part Five: Things you don't need
  • A. Entertainment
  • 1. Look at the stars, they are fascinating
  • 2. Talk to everybody
  • 3. Share all of your experiences
  • B. Internet
  • 1. Wires are the first thing to fail
  • 2. Servers are second
  • 3. Electricity never lasts, does it?

Part Six: Then sun will come up tomorrow

  • A. You can bet your bottom dollar
  • B. You will be glad it did

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